Babysitting is never easy in This Wonderful World
by SilentKlD
Summary: Kazuma just wanted to spend the rest of the day in peace and quiet at his mansion. But he gets dragged into another adventure against his will, just because he made a wrong assumption. [IN PROGRESS]
1. Author's remarks and updates

**Writer's notes**

 **8/22/2018**

Greetings everyone! This is my first time I ever wrote a complete story chapter (I tried writing before, but I wasn't patient enough back then 😊).

This is a part 1 of my story, sort of testing water scenario. I tried my best to keep close to the original style of the light novel, while trying to develop my own style.

I also did my best to preserve characters' personalities: they behave and act like they normally would, none of them suddenly started acting out of character, etc. (I am very particular about that part).

As such, I would really appreciate any feedback and criticism on my first chapter. Was it easy to read and follow the story flow? Did anyone act out of their character? What can I do to fix and improve the story writing?

Once I apply all improvements (if necessary), I will use that newly acquired knowledge and skills for writing future parts.

Thank you in advance and happy reading!

 **09/14/2018**

First, I apologize for such a big gap between my releases. Being a full-time worker leaves you with only that much free time.

I am trying my best to utilize my weekends and evenings to write even smallest chunks; but I am doing all the job: initial/final drafts, finalizing script, proofreading, catching upon inconsistencies, etc.

However, this is my first story I am fully committed to see to its end. So, you can definitely expect future releases until my story is fully finished!

Writing these 2 chapters introduced me to some interesting techniques to increase productivity speed up writing quality, which I am more than willing to try for chapter 3.

Thank you all and happy reading!

 **10/26/2018**

Phew, finally, another chapter is finished!

I didn't expect this chapter to take me this long, but LOTS of things happened that hindered my progress.

· I've been assigned a new project at work, and that beast saps my energy faster than Google Play – my battery. But I remained dedicated to my rule of writing something every day.

· I watched the first episode of Goblin Slayer… I had to watch and read a LOT of comedy content afterwards to get my mind back into a light-hearted mood. Coming from the guy, who's read about a half of Berserk manga with no problem.

· I watched the first episode of Re:Zero… Ended up watching everything related to the show, except for recent OVA. Now I'm a big fan of both Konosuba and Re:Zero. Also, Rem _is_ the best girl! 😊

· This chapter ended up being almost twice longer than I anticipated, but I couldn't find a fitting cut-off point. As such, I had almost a double work on writing, editing, etc.

But overall, I am satisfied with the final product. I successfully used writing techniques I mentioned during last chapter publishing. I finished the initial chapter outline within a week! O_O Hopefully, I can get back on track with one chapter per month pace in the future.

Thank you all and happy reading!

 **2/16/2019**

It's done. It's done. IT'S DONE!

After all this time, I finally made it!

Lots of stuff happened, and I don't really want to bore you with all these irl details. But I made sure to dedicate at least some time every day to writing, and it finally bore the fruit.

Thank you all and happy reading!

 **6/14/2019**

I did it guys! I DID IT!

Having 5 hours per WEEK to spare on writing it is no joke!

But on the bright side, my creativity didn't go completely into this single chapter. I ended up with around 5 pages of snippets ready for the next chapter as well, so we've got a nice head start! Hopefully, that'll speed up things somehow.

Anyway, I hope your patience is finally rewarded!

Thank you all and happy reading!

 **9/20/2019**

It's finally here!

This chapter is a bit shorter, but I decided to split it in two, so I could release it faster, without having to wait for another month or two. On a positive side, I've already gotten tons of snippets for the next part, so it's not completely from scratch!

Anyway, thank you all and happy reading!

 **1/17/2020**

Jeez it took so long...!

I think this chapter was one of those moments when you really need to push and motivate yourself to keep writing since you're already too deep into it. Writing even a little bit every day really helps to develop a steady discipline. I hope you enjoy the final result.

Thank you all and happy reading!


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Since the website cannot use numbered footnotes like it does in Word, for reader's convenience I will replace them in format _'_** _novel text **(NOTE 1:** actual note_ ** _)'._ Please tell me if it is not distracting, otherwise I can think of something else.**

 **Chapter 1**

Money surely is a universal problem solver: when you have it, pretty much any trouble you are facing can be resolved. Now, if only it could relieve me from a burden of babysitting my troublesome trio every single day...

I routinely strolled through the afternoon Axel streets, while thinking about such trivialities. That's where I spotted Wiz near the entrance of her magic shop; she was holding onto something with a troubled expression.

It didn't take me much effort to piece it together from a single glance.

"Trying to save something from Vanir's cleanup again, eh, Wiz?"

I casually threw her a question as a greeting while approaching the shop owner.

"Ah, Kazuma-san! I didn't see you there... You are right as always; sometimes I cannot help but think Kazuma-san has the same foresight abilities as Vanir-san."

Wiz turned to me with surprised expression, but quickly composed herself and replied with a weak smile.

It has nothing to do with the foresight; it's just not my first time experiencing this particular situation.

"So, what brings you here today, Kazuma-san?"

"Nothing really, I was just hanging around. Anyways, what's that you're hiding there?"

I leaned forward, looking at the item Wiz was holding. It was a simple, yet elegant ring with a small amethyst and slightly engraved pattern around the stone.

 _( **NOTE 1** : T_ _hat ring description_ _has a reference to a well-known video game. See if you can figure it as you read future chapters, and before finishing the story)_

"A-ah, this? N-nothing really, I just thought this ring looked cute, and..."

"…Huh?"

Something was off about how Wiz reacted. Normally, she would proudly introduce and show off her newly acquired item(s) for sale (before being mercilessly shot down by her ever vigilant assistant(?)).

But now she was trying to hide that ring, as if she wanted to protect _her precious_ from me. Naturally, it only made me more curious about it.

Seeing that her weak excuse does not work on me, Wiz gave up on her facade.

"...I sensed an extremely rare magical enchantment from it, so I..."

"...Never mind."

I sighed before even letting her finish.

This shop keeper has a genuine desire to make her magic shop flourish; however, I feel like she keeps forgetting that Axel main residents are beginner level adventurers. Most of them (excluding me, obviously) simply cannot afford items like manatite stones of the highest grade or that ring with a supposedly very rare enchantment.

Just when I was about to give up on this whole ordeal and move on...

"Um, Kazuma-san... If it wouldn't trouble you too much, could I ask you something?"

"Sure, what is it?"

...I instead gave up on my plans to spend the rest of the day uneventfully in my mansion.

I've been through this scenario enough times to know exactly where this was going the moment Wiz said those flag-raising words. I was about the get dragged into another 'adventure' against my will; and no, that last bit was not a question, but a definite statement.

Wiz threw a quick glance towards the shop entrance, probably to make sure Vanir does not overhear what she is about to say. Then, she leaned closer to me and…

"Could you please keep what you saw a secret from Vanir-san...?"

…asked me something like that out of the blue with a tone barely above a whisper. Not to mention, she held her hand close to her mouth, as if to prevent words from flowing into a certain direction.

"...Eh?"

Seriously, what is wrong with her today? That ring she is hiding strikes me as the most obvious cause of distress.

Now that I think about it, Wiz was treating that ring differently from how she would normally treat her merchandise. More like, that little trinket had a personal value to the shop owner. A precious memento from her adventuring past, perhaps…?

Regardless, I can think about it later; right now, I need to reassure troubled Wiz and ease her worries.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. Is Vanir at the shop right now?"

I followed her uneasy gaze at the store entrance.

"Vanir-san is currently at the back of the shop. He looked angry, talking about 'purging' and 'foul inventory', so I don't think it would be wise to bother him right now."

Well, I cannot blame him here.

Wiz, while having an admirable hard-working attitude, has an absolute zero merchant sense; as such, she always ends up getting a full inventory of useless magical items, negating most of Vanir's efforts to earn profits. Such antics constantly irritate magic shop apprentice(?), since he is the one who is forced to get rid of both useless inventory and red digits…

Ah, now I think I get what's going on. Vanir is already in a bad mood, having to clear 'foul' inventory as is; if he finds out that Wiz spent even more money on a ring with a questionable value, shop owner would end up receiving a new dose of assistant(?)'s infamous Murder Ray.

I see, so that's why Wiz was acting so troubled, and even asked me to keep the ring a secret; it all makes sense now! I couldn't help but feeling proud of myself for piecing all puzzle parts together.

"Well, let's not provoke him any further then. Mind if we walk for a bit?"

I mean, if I take Wiz further away from the shop, where Vanir could show up at the worst possible moment, it should put her at ease, and she might be more willing to talk about the ring.

By this point, I was genuinely interested in that trinket. Like, you can throw those cliched vague descriptions on the item to surround it with some veil of _mystery_ ; keeping that mystery for too long, however, only makes me annoyed and disinterested in uncovering _the big secret_.

Wiz threw last quick look at the shop before she hesitantly agreed to join me on a casual stroll.

We did not go very far, since Wiz might've needed to return to the shop on a short notice. So, after a brief walk, we occupied one of the city plaza benches that were facing a fountain.

Wiz still had a clouded expression on her face, so I needed to distract her somehow.

"So, what is this ring, anyway? Do you know what it does?"

My interest in the ring seems to get Wiz back into her comfort zone. Her face has brightened, as she turned to me with a smile of gratitude.

Then Wiz took the ring out of her robe pocket and placed it on her palm to show me.

"It can restore anything, no matter how much it was destroyed or aged."

...

"Anything...?"

Wiz nodded with a serious expression.

...

It took me some time to fully process that information. A ring that can restore any item regardless of how severely it was damaged...

So, if I find a withered painting or a shattered gemstone, I can restore it, and then resell at the good price, and…!

Wait, calm your head down, Kazuma, think this through! For starters, all these restoration talks and whatnot already sound WAY too good to be true. Plus, let's not forget that this is an item from the Wiz magic shop…

"So-o, what's the twist?"

"There should be no twists here; please have some faith in me, Kazuma-san!"

I would, but you have been saying the same thing about every item from your store!

Still, I was glad to have old Wiz back, being oblivious to the downsides of her merchandise and all.

I have learned (mostly the hard way) that all her seemingly useful magic items always have some unexpected side effect(s); some of them were severe enough to endanger our party. As a result, being cautious with her goods became a matter of our survival and well-being in this cruel world.

"He-eh, someone surely sounds much (un)livelier now. Are you feeling better?"

"Thank you very much for your concern, Kazuma-san. Indeed, I am feeling much better now. Vanir-san has ceased using non-stop work practices, but I feel refreshed after that little break, so thank you for taking me for a walk!"

Such a polite and dignified lady. Honestly, she deserves to be treated with care and respect. Yet, I feel sorry for Wiz, when her normal surroundings consist of Vanir (who is not shy of exploiting her physical labor) and the useless self-proclaimed goddess (who treats her like a personal tea maid).

 _( **NOTE 2:** Kazuma knows that Aqua is the actual goddess, but he calls her self-proclaimed on purpose and out of spite, since she normally does not behave like a goddess should)_

"Glad to hear it. Seriously, when I saw you earlier, I thought there was a funeral or something…"

"Ah! I'm so sorry you had to see such an undignified sight of mine, Kazuma-san! I promise, I will work hard to improve myself…!"

"N-No, that's not what I…"

Her emotional reaction caught me off-guard; our conversation was drowned in awkward silence.

Honestly, I only meant it as a joke, but Wiz is just that kind of person who takes everything so seriously.

This is probably why it is hard to have a small talk with her; much harder than with Megumin, Darkness, or Aqua, where our conversations just flow naturally and you don't have to think hard about 'proper' wording.

So, I think I should just forget all about the small talk and go straight to the point of interest.

"Say, you said earlier that this ring can restore things no matter how badly they got damaged, correct?"

Wiz nodded again.

"Mind I take a look at it?"

Now that things with the shop owner are slowly going back to the way they normally are, I focused my attention entirely on that trinket.

With Wiz's permission, I took the ring out of her palm, and started examining it by rotating with my fingers at various angles.

…

"Um, Kazuma-san…?"

…

"…K-Kazuma-san, is something wrong…?"

…

"Kazuma-san, are you feeling okay?! Your face looks… frightening…"

…

I made up my mind.

"I'll take it."

I said to seriously concerned Wiz.

"...Huh?"

"I'll buy that ring."

"Eh…?! W-wait, Kazuma-san, I'm not-!"

"Shh, it's okay, Wiz, no need to act so humble. If you are in _that_ much trouble, I'll even add some more on a top."

"Th-that's not what I-!"

"Think about it: if I buy it, your shop will stay afloat, maybe even have some room for growth. Vanir will have no reason to scorch you with his Murder Ray any longer, so you can take your mind off it. As for me, I will become the owner of an item with a very rare magic enchantment. See, it's a win-win-win for all three of us!"

"…"

Wiz looked like she wanted to say something else, but she just lowered her hand with resigned expression. No doubt, she was awe-struck with my convincing argument.

…

To be honest, my reasoning was only half the truth of why I wanted to buy that ring. I went through some intense brainstorming (while studying it) before I made up my mind; so, it was a cold calculated decision, definitely not a rash or spontaneous outburst, like it may have looked from the side.

…

Ever since I picked up on that ring's capabilities, aside from my initial caution (it's a Wiz shop item, after all), my first line of thinking was: what if Wiz truly lucked out this one time, and I am dealing with a legit relic item right now?

The ability to restore anything even beyond conventional means of repair surely sounds relic-like; even Wiz referred to it as extremely rare. And she used to be an experienced adventurer before becoming a lich shop owner (with both _knees_ intact); so, I am inclined to believe her expertise on that matter.

When relics came to mind, I couldn't help but recall the ones I have seen so far in my adventures. A perverted suit of armor Aigis, and a cursed sword Gram that what's-his-name Swordmaster carries. Both looked like those fancy legendary/ultra-rare items you would normally find in MMOs.

The ring in question looked more simplistic though: small amethyst, light patterns carved around the stone foundation; nothing exquisite about it. But, I learned to look past initial appearances; my _cute_ companions with rotten personalities made sure of that.

If I can get my hands on this relic, so many possibilities arise!

I could return it to Eris-sama. Ah, her innocent smile and her sincere gratitude are truly divine blessings for my heart! Compared to that nuisance I usually deal with …

" _Um, Kazuma-san…?_ "

Or, I could grant it to my cute little sister Iris-chan! I did get her a ring already, when we went to Elroad. But having a relic as marriage ring sounds much more royal and majestic. And in private, she would thank me for it by calling me _onii-chan_ and showing herself in a way only I will ever see…!

"… _K-Kazuma-san, is something wrong…?"_

Or, I could simply use that ring for myself! If I can restore valuables like historic artifacts, gemstones, or paintings, and then sell them back, I can secure the future of my dream for a lifetime!

No matter how I look at it, it's a win-win-win situation for me!

" _Kazuma-san, are you feeling okay?! Your face looks… frightening…"_

I made up my mind.

"I'll take it."

I said to seriously concerned Wiz.

…

Now that I convinced the shop owner with my decisive argument, one question was still lingering in the back of my mind: what if this ring ends up not being a relic?

I thought of that possibility as well, obviously. If so, I am dealing with a typical item from Wiz magic shop; meaning, there would be drawbacks.

"Restoration is only temporary" or "you have to wear ring constantly for effect to remain" were probably the _worst-case_ drawbacks I could think of.

I mean, that spell sounds like a Restoration magic, right? How bad can a side effect from a ring with restoration spell be?

If that is the case, all I need to do is pawn repaired item before the restoration effect wears off. Then I can just demand a compensation to cover for irreparable property damage!

" _Kazuma-san, that's-!"_

I was so absorbed in my intense thinking, that I haven't realized Wiz was firmly gripping my hands, with deep concern written all over her face.

As it turned out, my entire non-verbal brainwork was followed by excessive gesticulations I was inadvertently making. And as a result, I did the most stupid thing I could do, given the situation.

I put the ring on my finger.

"…! Kazuma-san?!"

I had no idea what was happening. The world around me was swirling and crumpling like a piece of paper, Wiz's alarmed voice drowned in cacophony of other sounds, and I felt like I was being pulled somewhere.

Not like a gentle pull upwards, whenever Eris-sama opens heaven gates and sends me back to this world, but a violent, sharp pull into a nowhere.

And now all I see around me is the _everlasting darkness_ …

"Kazuma-san! Kazuma-san…!"

Wiz, who was desperately trying to reach me, sounded like a distant echo through a thick fog.

Honestly, I had no desire to reply back to her; I was extremely frustrated with my own stupidity.

I kept telling myself over and over: be careful, this is an item from the Wiz shop, this is an item from the Wiz shop!

And yet again, I was reminded in a worst way possible that I ended up like this… because that blasted ring was an item from the Wiz shop…


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Pitch black all around me… Something soft and cushion-like pressing against my face... Light sweet scent hanging in the air… Chaotic street crowd babble… The feeling of being carried somewhere…

I was killing time by picking up on any bit of information regarding my "blindfolded" surroundings. I mean, there was not much else for me to do ever since I got stuck in this "limbo" state: things were happening around me, and I had no idea what was going on.

And yet, instead of succumbing to a fit of uncontrollable panic, I was serene.

That's right, I already went through all five stages of grief in my mind and just reached the Acceptance, so let's leave it at that.

Normally, in such "surrounded by darkness/light" clichés, something is bound to happen sooner or later. So, I will simply go with the flow for the time being and let it happen; I can think about the details later…

Just as I was thinking about all that, _something_ happened.

For me, that "happened" signal was a faint sound of bell ringing. And as if on cue, my "blind" surroundings were rapidly changing.

An excited crowd buzzing around me was suddenly cut off, like turning off a TV in the middle of idol live concert. My face no longer felt pressed against the "cushion". The feeling of being carried has also disappeared; instead, I felt being put on some solid surface. I also started hearing some frequent footsteps…

This whole ordeal was an entirely new experience for me, so I exercised caution.

When exploring a dungeon, I always check my surroundings for traps and monsters before going any further.

So, just like with dungeon, I patiently waited for any other changes to be added to my existing "blind repertoire". Since nothing happened, I proceeded with my next step.

I cautiously opened my eyes; it was no longer pitch-black around me. As my blurry vision regained its focus, I could make out a snippet of ceiling with a familiar pattern. Seems like I am back at Wiz magic shop.

Something light and soft was pressing against my cheek, preventing me from seeing the shop entirely. It was a piece of fabric, covering most of my face, a mixture of green and white colors… Wait a sec, am I…?!

I bolted upright with that horrid thought in my mind. Me and Wiz are not at that level of comfort just yet!

Huh? Somehow, the height of me getting up didn't feel quite where it is supposed to be. I have a _bad_ feeling about this…

I've heard magic shop owner's voice, followed by some rustling sounds, somewhere below my level. I looked around to find where they were coming from, now that the fabric was no longer covering my face. For some reason, I was seating on a counter, and Wiz herself was nowhere to be seen.

I need to process all that information and gather my thoughts… With that in mind, I placed hands on my temples. And _that's_ when I noticed the source of that mind-pestering uneasiness: arms that clearly did not belong to me, my clothing (including that face-covering piece from earlier) scattered around me like a pile of rags…

Slowly, _very_ slowly, I scanned my surroundings for any mirror-like objects. By this point, I already knew I was _not_ going to like what I could see in there.

My gaze fell upon a tray-like object seated on a counter display. I didn't care about its intended purposes, but it was producing clear reflections on its silver surface.

"Ah…"

That single quiet gasp was all I could squeeze out of myself.

Forget about Wiz seeing me naked; I was _much_ more concerned about Kazuma-looking baby, staring back at me with a stupefied expression through the "tray" reflection.

…

Typically, that should be an anime-like scenario, where I freak out initially, but then calm down and vehemently try to get my body back to normal.

Me, I was just tired. All these nonsensical events drained me dry of energy; I felt like a deflated ball.

I should've retreated as soon as those red flags were raised, but my greed and stupidity have gotten better of me. So, now it's too late to cry over a spilled milk.

…

I heard those rustling sounds again. The culprit was Wiz, who was vigorously searching for something behind the counter, unaware of me watching her. For some reason, observing her frantic movements only tired me out even more…

I simply wanted to spend some "quality time" in my mansion.

Instead, I got roped in this whole ordeal against my will.

I did nothing wrong.

It was not my fault.

So, I should not be the one to clean up this mess.

Just let the adults do all the work for me and have them figure it all out by themselves. Let Wiz act like a responsible adult and take care of me and my problem, since it was her fault in a first place…

I disinterestedly watched magic shop owner rummaging through shelves and boxes, constantly muttering something I couldn't hear. Still, in her searching, Wiz was inadvertently making some nice angles, so my sour mood has improved ever so slightly.

…

Wiz dived out of the last _storage chest_ (?) with a dejected expression. Seems like she didn't find whatever she was looking for.

"Ah, Kazuma-san…!"

Finally noticing my awakening, she rushed over and leaned closer to me for a more natural adult- _child_ conversation.

"I'm so glad you are okay, Kazuma-san! I was so worried…!"

Wiz was slightly trembling, looking at me with a mixture of concern and relief.

I was feeling fine physically. So, to get my _mental_ harmony back, I need to take care of that _small_ issue. Thankfully, Wiz was not asking stupid questions and looked eager to resolve the problem.

"I am so sorry, Kazuma-san… The ring has worked like it was supposed to. It can restore anything, no matter how much it was damaged or _aged_ – by returning to its original state."

She correctly interpreted my "silent question" gaze, and gave me a detailed description of ring capabilities, while bowing apologetically.

"…"

Please stop looking at me like this… I am supposed to be angry at you right now! If you keep looking at me with those innocent eyes while producing such _bounce_ -iful angles, I won't be able to get angry at you…

I shook my head to rid it of all distractions and get back on track.

So, that spell does not exactly _restore_ things per se, more like _revert_ them to their original form. I was "restored" to my original state due to the age. And let me guess: this "restoration" stopped short at the baby phase just because the ring fell off my shrunken finger…

"…"

I could've simply ceased to exist, just like that, had that ring stayed on for any longer! I am literally still a "being" because I got lucky… How is it even safe to sell something like that?!

That world is just way too cruel…

I'm not into stuff like solving mysteries or fighting dark organizations; I just hope all this nuisance will be over soon. I looked at Wiz again, hoping to get some more answers out of her.

She correctly interpreted another silent question of mine as well.

"I don't know if it will wear off any time soon. This is an incredibly powerful spell, meant for permanent restorations; it would've been quite impractical otherwise. I was trying to find any means of breaking or at least weakening the spell. But…"

Wiz was visibly shaking again, doing her best to hold back tears. She was probably feeling incredibly guilty about that whole incident.

I, on the other hand, was feeling increasingly uneasy after hearing those logical, yet troublesome words.

It's already hard enough to exist in this cruel world as is. And now you're telling me to live here as a baby and experience those horrors all over again?!

I'd rather just die off somewhere and ask Eris-sama to reincarnate me safely in Japan…

"…but why did you have to put the ring on, Kazuma-san?!"

With her voice losing its calm and her eyes getting all misty, Wiz interrupted my train of thought.

Her sudden outburst just made me more agitated. So, not only I got turned into a baby because of that stupid ring, but now it's also _my_ fault?!

"Wiz… dummy…!"

I snapped right back at her, angrily pointing at her with my baby finger.

"…!"

Obviously, I wanted to say a _little_ bit more than that to vent out my frustration on Wiz. However, my mouth somehow felt like it had an invisible muffler on, so I could barely squeeze single words out of it.

"You're such a meanie, Kazuma-san! I wasn't planning to sell it in the first place!"

Wiz could take an insult stoically, given for how long she was working with Vanir.

But being told off by a toddler was probably too much for her to handle. Her inner floodgates have finally collapsed, and everything she was trying to bottle up came pouring out of her, along with tears.

We intensely stared down at each other. Wiz, normally calm and meek, stubbornly refused to yield this time.

Seriously, what is up with this unnatural behavior?! She started acting _weird_ ever since that blasted ring got involved…

This trinket may be the main culprit, but there was also something peculiar about her "changes" that got my attention. Specifically, some of those "fits" were suspiciously resembling a certain member from my party…

"…"

Looks like I will be having some "quality talk" with that fallen goddess for corrupting poor lich lady! That's right, I live in the world, where goddess can corrupt a lich…

Aqua has been frequenting the magic shop a lot, and it seems like her putrid ambience started to rub off on Wiz. Seriously, I don't need another "Aqua" in Axel; one is already a major pain to deal with...

Our silent confrontation was interrupted when someone entered through the backdoor.

"Oui, shopkeep, thou being quite noisy today. Moi still have four crates of your abominable inventory to take care of, so… Ara?"

Vanir, wearing his pink apron atop of business-like suit, came out to investigate the source of commotion, and his gaze fell upon me.

That curiosity lasted mere seconds before his mouth twisted into a smirk.

"Fu… Fuhahahaha! Look at that brat, who thinks he is smarter than everybody else! Such devious usages of that ring were among the first things moi could think of! But, our good for nothing shopkeep was thy one who obtained that curious trinket. Which made moi think real hard: what trickery could an innocent bauble with such powerful magic possibly hold? And thou were quite generous to put it on a full display for moi!"

I had no words to retort with; well, I couldn't, even if I wanted to. So, I just bitterly looked away.

"Vanir-san… You… You knew…?"

Wiz asked with a barely audible voice.

Vanir turned to her, still gleaming with joy.

"Ah, look at that inept shopkeep, whose brain has finally started to rot. Thou truly thought of keeping a secret from the devil who can see through everything? Fuhahaha! Of course, moi knew about that ring atop of all that other rubbish you acquired! As tempting as it was to treat thee with Vanir's Murder Ray for wasting more of our hard-earned money on it, moi had yet to unveil its dark secret first. That's when moi saw the downfall of that bauble's bearer, slain by its cunning trickery! Granted the plethora of those dark wonderful emotions such tragic tale has caused, why bother wasting my precious energy upon thee? Moi could just pretend not to know anything, let that spectacle reach its climax, and then feast upon the culmination!"

Vanir usually switches to such dramatic verbiage whenever he could not contain his excitement. Well, why would he: me and Wiz were practically serving him a royal grade cuisine right now…

"I see…"

Wiz lowered her head with a lifeless expression. She looked like a child, whose strong belief in a miracle has been mercilessly shattered.

Vanir, who was already radiating opposed to our darkened expressions, went on with his exaggerated theatrics.

"Ah, such tender disappointment, such juicy agony of dreams being broken, such savory frustration! Absolutely exquisite entry! Tah, have mercy, or moi would no longer enjoy daily intakes from my ' _friends'_."

 _( **NOTE 3:** Those who read spin-offs should get who Vanir is referring to.)_

"…" x2

None of us had any desire to say anything; Vanir, on the other hand, was having a time of his life.

Wiz was silently manning the counter as an excuse not to look at Vanir (she was ignoring me as well, probably wanting a bit of time for herself to recuperate).

I had nothing to do in my condition, so I was just sitting on the counter next to Wiz, still engrossed in my own bouquet of dark emotions. I felt sorry for Vanir's 'friends', whoever they were. Those people got to be absolute losers, if they are desperate enough to befriend a devil just to feed him with their daily negativity.

…

"So, thou still haven't given up on that dream of yours, hm?"

Vanir suddenly asked Wiz something serious, completely dropping his dramatic tone. Now that the dust has settled down, he switched back to his regular speech.

"…!"

I couldn't see her expression, but I noticed Wiz squeezed her dusting rag tighter.

Her dream, huh...? It must've been something rather significant to Wiz, for her to react like that.

Under different circumstances, I would've asked Wiz for more details and such. It just so happened that finding out about her dream was not my top priority right now.

"…"

Wiz did not respond, but she looked visibly distressed. Vanir's seemingly innocent question probably reopened some of her old wounds. Knowing him, I'm pretty sure that was his intention all along.

That whole topic was drowned in a heavy, depressing atmosphere, which now engulfed the entire shop.

…

"So, what do we do now?"

Wiz was the one to break the silence; most likely, she wanted to shift her attention elsewhere, before her brooding evolves into something worse. Thankfully, Wiz voiced exactly what I was thinking.

"Such an amusing question. Thou will be working restlessly until we recover everything we lost from your foolish endeavor."

"A-again? No, I mean: what do we do with Kazuma-san?"

"Hm, what about that brat? Our poor excuse of a shop has nothing even remotely close to vanquishing a spell of such caliber. But of course, since our incompetent lich never planned to have such counter-measures in a first place, hm?"

Wiz flinched at a thrown insult, but recovered just as quickly.

"…But, we still need to take care of Kazuma-san. He ended up like this because of me, after all."

For a moment, her words have flickered in my mind.

Wiz, taking care of me in a motherly fashion… She would feed me, play with me, and carry me around in her soft cushions…

But as expected, Vanir has mercilessly shattered my colorful dreams at the most interesting spot.

"For a lich, who never had children of her own despite her ripe age, thou sure sound confident about taking care of that brat, who craves for more than just your motherly affection."

"…!" x2

Th-that's not true at all! All children at that age are craving for motherly care and love, being embraced in the warmth of her bosom!

…Wiz shakily backed away from me with indescribable expression. She was at the loss of how to gracefully handle a triple blow of being called old, childless, and physically attractive only to individuals with twisted tastes (which is absolutely _not_ what happened there!). And that's on the top of everything else she received earlier…

…

Oi, isn't it getting a bit dangerous? Why are we suddenly dealing with a powerful lich on a verge of her breaking point? Did Vanir really strike a nerve by asking that "dream" question?

I desperately signaled him not to push Wiz any further: I still needed her expertise to resolve my _child_ issue (keeping her sane and stable would be nice as well).

Thankfully, Vanir was content with his meal course for tonight, so he went along with my pleas. Plus, it would only mean double work for him, were Wiz to have a mental breakdown.

…

Time has stopped in this tense atmosphere, where any careless move could set off a landmine…

…

"Vanir-san… I presume you have a better suggestion, then…?"

Wiz asked with a rare hint of ice in her voice, finally breaking that agonizing silence.

I couldn't help but shudder at that chilly tone. But Vanir would have none of that.

"We will stuff that lecherous brat in a basket (moi will charge thee for it later), and drop him off at his mansion door. Moi can even write some tearful letters if you so desire."

"…?! That is just plain irresponsible, Vanir-san!"

That 'Ice Queen' façade of hers didn't even last a minute…

I was also disturbed by Vanir's suggestion, for a different reason though.

Aren't I your valuable customer?! Why am I suddenly being treated like an unwanted child?! And now they want to drop me off like a cuckoo egg…?

Thankfully, that dangerous conversation was interrupted by the sound of door bell ringing. All three of us turned to a surprise visitor.

"Just what in the world is going on here…?"


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"...I could hear you two from the street. Just what in the world is going on here...?"

All three of us turned to Megumin, who just entered the shop.

"Ah, Megumin-san, w-welcome! Um..."

Wiz quickly composed herself, trying to sound natural and all, but she was simply delaying inevitable because of...

"Mwahahaha! Welcome, welcome, explosive girl who is never honest with her feelings! Moi would like to thank thee for your timely visit. See, we were just in the middle of-"

"...! Vanir-san!"

"Who are you calling explosive girl?! And what do you mean "just in the middle of-"? Did something happen?"

"Oh no, n-nothing much..."

Seems like Wiz was not mentally prepared to discuss the issue at hand, especially with someone of Megumin's caliber.

"Indeed, it's like this sneaky shopkeep here says, nothing major happened. Just a _little_ problem regarding your beloved."

"Oi, did something happen to Kazuma? What is this "problem" you're talking abo- Huh?"

Megumin stopped mid-sentence as Vanir, ignoring Wiz's weak attempts to intervene, theatrically pointed at me in all my naked glory.

...

She was just motionlessly standing there, blankly staring at me with her eyes as wide as Eris coins.

Megumin was always horrible at coping with unexpected situations. So, I'll just let her process it first, since her actual reaction should follow in three, two...

"K-Kazuma, is that really you?!"

Megumin rushed over to me still sitting on the counter, but she was clearly at a loss of how to handle me from here.

I innocently smiled back at her, pretending like I had no idea what she was talking about. I am the victim here, so it's not _my_ mess to clean up; this is something for _all of_ _you_ to resolve. Have fun with that everyone, Kazuma out.

Megumin was taken aback with my lack of verbal response; she was still having hard time accepting my sudden transformation.

Her typical approach was fruitless this time, so Megumin switched gears, cautiously talking to me in a soft, soothing tone.

"Kazuma... Can you please tell me what happened here...? Why are you like... _this_?"

Again, I simply tilted my head with a child-confused expression. I was in no condition to speak coherently (aside from single words), so might as well utilize my limited speech disability to its fullest and save myself from the pain of explaining anything.

But it wouldn't go anywhere if I just kept quiet; guess, I could drop a hint or two...

I slowly turned my head; Megumin followed my gaze, locking her eyes on Wiz, who flinched upon realizing what was going on.

"Eh?! Why is Kazuma-san singling me out as a villain? None of that would've happened if you didn't put the ring on!"

"The ring...?"

Megumin turned to me, then her eyes shifted somewhere below my legs, then she _slowly_ looked back at me...

"Kazuma imagined something weird again, ended up putting it on, and the result is now sitting in front of me."

She was not even asking a question; she was just stating the obvious with resigned expression. The initial shock was already gone: Megumin seemed to make peace that stuff happens to me on a regular basis, and it's easier just to accept it.

"Fuhahaha, moi expected nothing less from the destruction obsessed Crimson Demon with her screws infamously loose!"

"I see you want me to demonstrate my obsession on you again, huh?!"

"P-please not inside my shop…"

"…"

Everyone just forgot about me, even though I was the protagonist in this tragedy... I dejectedly slumped my head; my gaze fell upon a spot on the counter Megumin was looking at earlier.

"Gyaa!"

Everyone's attention snapped back at me. I let out a chilling shriek as if I saw a nasty crawler, and recoiled as far back as my small body allowed it.

"What is it, Kazuma?! Did something happen?!"

Megumin shouted, fiercely looking around while holding her staff at the ready to fend off any potential foes.

"Megumin-san, _please_ , not in my shop!"

Due to hectic circumstances at the time, Wiz forgot to retrieve that blasted ring back. And now this bane of my peaceful life was innocently laying among my clothes!

"C-calm down, Kazuma, it's just the ring... Anyway, can someone explain to me what in the world happened here...?"

While clumsily trying to calm me down, Megumin fired a question to the magic shop duo. Wiz and Vanir exchanged surprised glances, as if they were unsure of her mental state.

"Hm? Thou never struck moi as lacking in intellect. Did moi miss something?"

"Um, Megumin-san... A-as you can see here, Kazuma-san was turned into a child, and-"

"Yes, I can see that! Which is why I want you to tell me exactly what caused him to end up like... _this_...! I've never even heard of such spell before, and we were covering up to the Advanced level magic at school!"

"Uh, yes, about that..."

I couldn't hear clearly beyond that point, but it was probably something magic-related, so I stopped paying attention.

While girls were occupied with their conversation, Vanir took that opportunity to step closer and lean over to me. Whatever he wanted to say, was meant for my ears only.

"Oi, brat. Thanks to your generous contributions, that pitiful shop with its pitiful owner still managed to stay afloat. As a token of my gratitude, moi would like to give thee an advice."

I tensed up, focusing all my attention on the shop assistant(?). His advices always held merit; I had a fair number of pleasant outcomes thanks to his foresight abilities.

"Thou are mistaken by viewing that occurrence as the most unfortunate accident."

Huh?

"Do not to fight it, flow with it. Play your cards right, and thou are bound to experience the most delightful hours of thee life. Use thy brain and think how to turn this tragedy into a bliss."

Seeing me deep in thought over his words, Vanir was gleaming with a wide smirk on his face: he was already anticipating something _interesting_ to come out of it.

Turning my situation from a misery into a bliss, huh…

"—which is why me and Vanir-san were thinking of having Kazuma-san stay here, so I could take care of him until we find the solution to his trouble!"

Wiz, still feeling partially responsible for my incident, made such bold declaration, sternly looking at Vanir. She hasn't forgotten about Vanir's earlier suggestion to drop me off like it was nothing.

"Hmm?"

"Eh?!"

Both of us instantly turned to her.

Wiz said something really disturbing just now. Is she planning to keep me in her shop as a lab rat to experiment on until she finds a proper counter-spell?!

Even though I knew Wiz was not that kind of person, I couldn't help but imagine her in a white lab coat (unbuttoned in the chest area) and with a typical "mad scientist" expression on her face.

Just thinking about it made me shudder. I need to leave this place as soon as possible before sustaining even more "accidental" damage!

"What nonsense is this inept shopkeep spouting? Because of your incurable stupidity, we are in a deep red again. So moi would not allow thee to use that pathetic reason as an excuse to slack off and escape your duties!"

"I-I was not thinking such things at all, Vanir-san!"

"We are not the ones who should waste our precious time on that brat. That's what his rotten companions are for."

"Oi, I heard that! And obviously, we will be taking Kazuma home. Now that you gave me the details, I know exactly what to do!"

Megumin declared with "that should be obvious" tone.

"I-is that so?"

…

And with that, we were packing back for the mansion trip.

Girls dressed me with my original clothes; Wiz had to shrink them with one of her scrolls to achieve that. I felt like a dolled up chibi figurine, and wasn't sure what to make of that. Even though it was my own clothing, with all its personal imprints and wrinkles, wearing its "reduced" version felt _wrong_ for some reason...

"Megumin-san, I promise I will try to find something on my end as well, when I get a free minute!"

Wiz was determined to do at least _something_ as a token of apology for the trouble she caused. Otherwise, she'd feel restless, with guilt gnawing at her; Wiz was just that kind of person.

"Oh, non-non. Moi don't think thou would have a single moment to spare."

"But-!"

"Our rent is coming up in two days. And moi refuse to deal with our lovely landlady again, providing her with more of my exclusive consultation services for free as a payment. Since thou are so eager to waste your time on this hopeless bunch, moi will acknowledge that and will not punish thee with Vanir's Murder Ray."

"Vanir-san..."

"Instead, thou will be facing our dear landlady by thyself."

"Eek! Please, anything but that! I'll work, I'll work! I'm so sorry, Megumin-san!"

Wiz turned to us with a tearful bow, casually shattering " _once I made up my mind, nothing will stop me_ " trope. A mighty lich is more terrified of landladies and tax collectors over outright fatal Vanir's Murder Ray; that's the world I live in...

...

"Alright, Kazuma, we are all set."

After waving goodbyes to apologetic Wiz and sneering Vanir, we exited the shop with Megumin carrying me in her arms (she possessed surprisingly high strength, despite being a mage).

Ironically, this whole baby-carrying reminded me how at one point I played make-believe family with Megumin and Sylphina, Darkness's cousin, and I was a "son" in that "family". Now _that's_ some twisted mockery…

We made it back to the plaza, where I was sitting with Wiz on a bench not so long ago. Megumin, who started with a brisk pace, was gradually slowing down, before coming to a complete halt.

I looked around, but didn't find anything that might've caused her to stop. Still, Megumin kept standing motionless; for some reason, she was slightly trembling and sweating beads. Wait a minute…

Oi, don't tell me: you were showing off back at the shop, looking all cool and confident, but you have no idea how to deal with my problem, do you…?

I know Megumin cannot handle sudden situations and adlibbing, but give me a break! Aren't you supposed to take care of me while I am in this form?!

...!

And it hit me: that's it! That's what Vanir was talking about! Don't look at it as a tragedy, but turn it into a bliss! If I play my cards right, I could make my trio bear all the babysitting burden instead!

 _They_ will be the ones to ensure my well-being: feeding me, taking care of my needs, etc. _They_ will be the ones to clean up the mess, should they cause any trouble.

Hey, that doesn't sound half-bad! After everything they put me through, I believe I deserve a little break, and let the others to do my work for once. Maybe _then_ they will start appreciating my efforts more, once this whole ordeal is taken care of…

But before I reach that point, I should deal with Megumin standing still at the town plaza. A little mental push should be enough to help her overcome anxiety; I lightly stroke her cheek and flashed my child-like smile.

"?"

Megumin looked genuinely surprised by my move; she was not used to me showing such level of compassion. Nevertheless, my continuous cheek-caressing seemed to do the trick in calming her down.

 _Now_ I should be able to relax and leave the rest to her.

As we started moving again, Megumin was thinking aloud about her next step.

"Hmm… Even though Wiz-san shared everything she knew about that spell, I've never dealt with such magic before… Well, she gave me the ring, so I guess, I could study its properties and— ow, ow, ow, why are you pulling my cheeks, Kazuma?!"

Did she seriously just take that abomination with us, and now it was somewhere within my touch?! I went all out to express my anger about it! But my _true feelings_ never reached that stubborn and competitive Arch-mage, who refused to back down!

As a result, we had a scuffle until both of us were completely exhausted. Panting Megumin stared daggers at me; I, on the other hand, was quite pleased with the outcome of our struggle. I fought on par with an adult girl and even managed to tire her out, despite being _six times(?)_ younger; a small victory, but victory nevertheless!

"Geez, Kazuma!... _huff_ … You're… _huff_ … even worse … _huff_ … than Komekko right now... Haaahh..."

Megumin literally breathed out those harsh words on me, followed by heavy sigh: she deduced the cause of my sudden outburst.

"It's in my pocket, wrapped in the handkerchief for safety measure, so you are not in any danger."

You should disclose such important details from the get-go; that would save you some pinch-marks in the future!

…

And with that, any remaining tension between us was gone, so we could finally get back to our original topic: what to do next? I highly doubt Megumin would bring up the ring again, not after our earlier confrontation; it became somewhat of a personal matter for her to resolve on her own.

"Um, how about we go get some food then? We still got some leftovers at home, but we ran out of milk. And maybe we can even get some… baby food as well…"

For some reason, she slightly blushed at that last bit.

I gave her a skeptical look. Baby food or not, we are talking about the world which subverts your expectations at every turn. Ugh, I just hope it's not one of those disgusting concoctions I saw in Japanese malls. N-not that I know how they taste like because I lost a bet or anything…

Just as we were heading towards the market, we stumbled upon a group of adventurers from the guild.

"Oh, Megumin-san. Heading out for your daily- Huh?"

"Ah, Megumin, perfect timing! See, me and me buds here are doing a bit of a wager on whether your Explosion today would be louder or not. _So-o, if it's not too much of a hassle, mind if ye crank up some "oomph" in today's fireworks? I'd even share some of the_ \- Eh?"

"Wait, is that a baby?! Is Megumin-chan holding a baby?!"

"Hey, isn't that kiddo looking just like Kazuma?!"

"He absolutely does! Megumin-chan and that bastard have a child already?! How did we miss all that…?!"

Everyone's gazes were directed at us. Some of them were already looking intimidating with their appearances and gears, and now they were staring at me… I felt like I shrank even further…

"Ah… Ah…"

Suddenly becoming a center of attention, Megumin lost all her previous resolve upon stumbling on a new unexpected development. Gasping for air and with her eyes swirling, she was not much better than a fish out of the water.

And of course, all that commotion was attracting attention of passersby, swelling "Megumin's moral support group" with each passing moment.

"Kazuma, that lucky bastard! He's finally gone and done it!"

"Wah, Megumin-chan grew up so fast! It feels like yesterday she was this innocent little girl… To think I'd witness her ascend to a fully-fledged woman… _Sniff_ …"

"Don't ye worry, Megumin! Me an' me buds here would make sure this kiddo grows up with his pops around!"

"We are here for you, Megumin-chan! Just give us a word, me and my wife will be more than happy to help you raise your child properly!"

"Ah… ah… ah… No... Wait… He is not my…!"

Megumin was desperately trying to dispel that misunderstanding, but her voice was drowned in the flood of others.

"Wah, I'm so sorry, Megumin-chan! I was so hoping you would leave that good-for-nothing scoundrel before it was too late!"

"I dare you to repeat these words about Kazuma!"

"?!"

Wait, what just happened? The whole atmosphere suddenly went dead quiet. Megumin, who looked so helpless a second ago, was tauntingly staring at this group of "sympathizers" with her eyes shining bright crimson! Even I felt the chill despite of not being the target of that intense gaze...

"You just keep going on and on about "Kazuma this, Kazuma that!" but does any of you actually know him that well?! None of you lived with him under the same roof for over a year! None of you saw his highest of highs and his lowest of lows! So, don't you dare spout such words in front of me!"

Go-go, Megumin! That surely shut them down good!

How could I forget about that trait of hers?! Megumin absolutely _despises_ anyone bad-mouthing her friends and party members; and she is ready to take on any group, completely disregarding being outnumbered! Heck, she even recovered from her shock just now!

And this is exactly where her quirk might come in handy! Since everyone is listening right now, clearing out this whole thing should be a walk in the park!

"Besides, do you truly believe this man has guts to commit and go all the way?"

"..."

No, I wasn't thinking those clichéd hot-headed lines like " _Huh?! Are you trying to protect me or insult me?!_ " and such. No, I didn't lash out on her again for saying such harsh words about me in public.

My brain works at lightning speed whenever I face a crisis (like the one right now), and it just kicked in.

Megumin is not deliberately insulting me; she is not that kind of person. She is simply trying to resolve our problem by conveying a certain message to masses: I don't have a courage to commit to a serious relationship, so nothing serious could've possibly happened between us.

I agree with your sound statement, Brain-san; I just wish Megumin's wording was less... _savage_.

"Um, yes, I believe Kazuma has what it takes to go that far!"

"Heh?!" x2

Wait, isn't that the part where all of you uncomfortably look away, admit you were wrong, and it puts this whole issue to rest?! Why do you guys only have faith in me at the worst possible moment?!

"She _does_ carry his child after all..."

"And that kid has grown so much already!"

Oh, right, _that_ part... As much as I hate to admit it, this crowd one-upped Megumin with the actual _logic_ on their side: she _did_ ask such a ridiculous question while carrying Kazuma-looking baby with her...

"Besides, wasn't that bastard bragging the other day how Lalatina-chan finally lost her innocence because of him?!"

Stop twisting my words, you idiots! That's not even close to what I said!

"Oh yeah, he absolutely was!"

"And Lalatina-chan didn't even deny it!"

"Ah... ah..."

When Megumin realized her argument only made matters much worse, she lost all her spark and confidence (again).

"So, that scum of a man not only had guts to make a move on Megumin-san, but is also two-timing with another girl!?"

"That cheating liar! So, he _was_ playing around already, took advantage of our precious Megumin-chan's innocence and left her with a child, and now he even corrupted our pure Darkness-san with his underhanded methods…"

"No forgiveness for Scum-zuma!"

Oi, oi, this is really getting out of hand in here! Even if they're doing it out of good intentions, I'm not ready to become a bloody sacrifice for Megumin's "well-being".

Also, did these guys seriously called Darkness pure…?

"Grah, where is that lowly bastard?! I'll teach him a lesson he'll never..."

Alas, I was never destined to find out what kind of lesson this random guy was planning to teach me: unable to withstand any more pressure, Megumin straight-up dashed down the streets, leaving all those "warriors of justice" dumbfounded…

…

We eventually stopped at one of the back-alleys, when Megumin finally ran out of breath. I was heavily panting myself, as if I was running along with her.

Things couldn't possibly get any worse: my already questionable reputation just took a deep nosedive, and it will take me _days_ to clean up this whole mess and get things back to normal again...

"Th-They seriously thought you were my child, Kazuma... Ahaha... Ha... Just how old do they think I am?!"

Megumin stuttered as she was catching her breath, shaking violently.

Can't say I blame her. Something similar happened back when Sylphina showed up: we thought Darkness was her mother, so we all teased her and offered our help. And now Megumin and I ended up on the receiving end of this predicament.

I will apologize to Darkness once this whole mess is sorted out...

"And then they just kept babbling on and on about you and Darkness..."

"!"

" _Sigh_ , relax, I know you didn't do anything with Darkness; you just wanted to brag about it in the guild, and Darkness was too shocked to reject it anyway. After all, you _are_ a gutless man, who is afraid to commit and go all the way."

Megumin said that last bit with a tiny smile. I felt incredibly relieved that she interpreted everything correctly and was not angry about my stupid antics; I just wish her words didn't sting so much...

We stood in silence for a while longer to collect ourselves.

"W-Well, not much we can do about it now. Let's just buy food and go back home. Once Kazuma gets back to normal, I'm sure we can take care of this whole misunderstanding!"

Oi, stop trying to shift all responsibilities on me again! Seriously, I thought these girls gained at least some sense of independence while I left them for a week to live with my cute imouto in the castle!

…

In the end, we decided to go with Megumin's suggestion. Carrying me upfront made us stand out too much though; we needed to do something about concealing my presence, so we could avoid such awkward encounters in the future.

Lurk was my go-to spell specifically for such cases. But when I tried using it on both of us (I could still speak single words), nothing happened. Probably, some side effect of my body transformation, affecting my mana capacity or something.

Regardless, with the obvious solution off the list, we had to improvise.

First, there was a witch hat: its brims were wide enough to provide me with some decent coverage.

Next, Megumin flipped up her cape and tied its ends around her neck, turning it into impromptu backpack. For carrying convenience, I was stuffed in there, hugging Megumin from behind.

"…" x2

Yeah, let's not talk about me quite literally riding loli Arch-mage, who was in a state of absolute stupor over her signature attire being used in such disgraceful way. Seriously, I just needed a short whip to complete the picture…

…

Somehow, our casual market trip to fetch some food turned into a full-fledged stealth mission: reach the "target location" without being spotted by "eager sympathizers".

To accomplish that, we were avoiding main streets brimming with people, sticking to back alleys and shortcuts instead, cautiously peeking around the corners before proceeding.

And let me tell you, we were enjoying every moment of it!

…

Ok, we weren't feeling like this from the get-go.

I was praying to Eris-sama to _end this torture already_ , and Megumin looked like she'd die from embarrassment the moment anyone saw her in that ridiculous getup.

Our attitudes started to shift after successfully passing our first "stealth check".

You know that satisfying feeling when you were almost discovered by the adversary, but somehow managed to remain unnoticed in the end? This is exactly how I felt when an unsuspecting group of people passed our impromptu hiding spot.

Megumin also perked up from this incident. I couldn't see her face from my angle, but I have a strong feeling it reminded her of something nostalgic from her past...

And the more we kept playing this game of hide-and-not-seek, the more into it we were. It wasn't really _that_ different from doing another raid with Big Boss.

[ **Destination** : market], instead of the noble mansion?

Easy!

[ **Target** : food], instead of the relic?

No problem!

[ **Conditions** : broad daylight], instead of cover of the night?

Bring. It. On!

And with this newly-found invigoration, we went into all-out offensive!

…

At one point during our thrilling market "infiltration" mission, I realized yet another irony: Megumin was the one giving me a piggyback ride. For the first time, our roles have switched; and it sure was a pleasant feeling to be on a receiving end for once…

…

After several more minutes of us lurking around, we finally reached the market.

It was a completely different setting now (tightly crowded space), so our normal sneaking was no longer an option. As such, we had to switch our stealth approach: act all natural, use the crowd to blend in, reach the target, and get out once all objectives are done…

Yup, as absurd as it sounded, I ended up comparing our noisy explosion girl with the master of crowd stealth…

And surprisingly, these two complete opposites had more in common than I thought.

That signature deathly stare? Tease Megumin a bit about her chest, and you'll get one, with her glowing crimson eyes as a bonus.

Concealing fatality with deceptive looks? That cute-looking loli holds the power to wipe out entire villages with a single spell.

There is even a barcode on Megumin's body due to her Crimson Demon heritage, albeit, not at the back of her head.

All she was missing really was a bold haircut and dual pistols!

…

I should've realized this plan was doomed to fail the moment we entered the market…

The main principle of crowd stealth is blending in by looking and acting naturally. Which was kind of hard to pull off with Megumin's attire sticking out like a sore thumb.

It also didn't help that this half-assed "Femme Hitmanne" couldn't handle pressure properly and was shaking like a leaf, completely ruining calm and mysterious vibe I carefully built around her.

"..."

With that cool image irreversibly shattered, I just wanted to get this over with quickly and leave the market before anyone else takes notice of us. This thought alone, of course, immediately triggered the flag.

"Ah, Megumin! What are you doing here?"

We stumbled upon familiar well-developed Crimson Demon girl with pony tails.

"Why, if it isn't Yunyun! Planning to give me another tribute to acknowledge your inferiority to me?!"

Yunyun was holding a basket of fruits. Hardly for a friendly picnic, knowing that girl's pathological ability to remain forever alone; she was probably planning to drop by our mansion at some point (Yunyun made a habit of bringing "tributes" for every visit).

"Eh? I just greeted you, so why are you angry?!... Ara?"

"Ugh…" x2

Honestly, this is getting old already... Whoever we encounter, gets to use their quick one-liners before they "suddenly" notice me.

Megumin was also experiencing similar ordeal of being thrown into another uncomfortable situation. She was trying her hardest to keep that cool demeanor of superiority, but I could sense her feverish trembling. Out of all people, Yunyun was the last person Megumin wanted to deal with right now.

"I-is that a baby?! Th-that's a baby, right?! Wa-ah, and he looks just like Kazuma-san! Megumin, don't tell me, is he-?!"

"Yes, he's mine! Got a problem with that?!"

"Eh?!" x2

Oi, make up your mind already! And don't just drag me into your stupid rivalry thing with Yunyun! I'm already neck deep in this chaos as is; I don't need another headache to worry about!

"S-so it's true… I-I thought you were just boasting like usual… To think that Megumin, who was the least interested in love, would have such relationship with Kazuma-san and surpass us all as a woman..."

"That's right, we've already reached that stage and did all sorts of things together! So, if you want to even _reach_ my level now, go get yourself a boyfriend first!"

"Uwah!"

Oho, is that so?! The nerve of that girl to spread such blatant lies in front of me after all the blue- **ball** ing she put me through! Well then, I hope you wouldn't mind a little curve **ball** of my own!

" _Mommy!_ "

I happily exclaimed, hugging Megumin's neck even tighter. The next moment I felt like I stepped into a heated oven.

"Wah! Wh-wh-wh-what in the world are you saying, Kazuma?! Stop making things more difficult than they already are!"

"Uwah, you even named him after Kazuma-san! Megumin, how could you?! Even as a rival, how could you hide from me that you already did all... this... le- lew- adult things with Kazuma-san, and already have a child?!"

Seemingly meek yet smart, Yunyun would normally see right through Megumin's ruse with some basic logic (all Crimson Demons are quite intelligent and perceptive).

However, with a deadly mixture of agitation over the rivalry loss, overactive imagination, and being a teenage girl, Yunyun simply couldn't think straight right now.

"Shh, quiet down, will you?! We are in the market, people are watching!"

Megumin hissed at her, frantically looking around.

"How can I possibly be quiet?! Even as my life-long rival, I always thought of you as my precious f-f-friend! I thought you would've shared about such important accomplishments with me!"

Is this girl more upset about Megumin not boasting to her or Megumin not treating her as a friend?

"Ah... Ah... No... That's not..."

Once again, Megumin lost her confident demeanor, as she was slowly backing away from Yunyun.

" _Sniff_... It's okay, Megumin, everyone has a secret or two… I just… I just hope that one day we would have nothing to hide from each other, and- Ah, why are you running away?!"

For the second time today, Megumin bolted out of the market at full speed before their argument drew too much attention from passersby.

Wait a minute...

Why were we doing all this stupid masquerade and sneaking around in a first place? We were so absorbed in a process that we completely forgot our original objective!

What about my food?!


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

In the end, we didn't buy anything and came back to our mansion empty-handed…

"Ha-ah…"

After carefully sitting me in one of the armchairs, Megumin tiredly plastered herself face-down on the sofa in the living room.

"Geez, Kazuma, you are so tiresome… I can't feel my body at all, and I didn't even do my Explosion today…"

She was in a bad mood and started complaining about all sorts of things.

Fortunately, I didn't have to accompany this troublesome girl on her daily trip today due to my… _circumstances_.

 _Growl_.

I heard my stomach rumbling.

Now that I think about it, all these stressful encounters today made me hungry. Well then…

"Uwaaaah!"

" _Wah_! Wh-what is it, Kazuma? Are you okay?"

Still laying in her plank position, Megumin lifted her head and looked at me.

I repeatedly pointed to my wide-open mouth.

"You're hungry, _huh_. Okay, just give me five minutes, I seriously need some rest right now."

Um, no. Whenever any one of you come to me with your problems, you expect me to resolve them _without delay_. So, here is my problem: I'm hungry, and I want my food _without delay_!

"Uwaaaaaah!"

" _Ugh_ , fine, I'm coming! And here I thought he couldn't get any worse. I feel so bad for his parents…"

…

"Kazuma, stop being so difficult and just eat already! Weren't you complaining about being hungry a moment ago?!"

I was sitting in front of a bunch of food, perfectly lined-up on the table: marinated giant frog legs, platter of local vegetables, demon cow steak, running lizard fillet stew leftovers, and then some.

"Just to remind you – because of a _certain someone,_ I couldn't buy any milk! And what's wrong with any of these? As far as I remember, we had a hard time tearing you off some of them! So why the sour face now?"

I defiantly stared back at her: I just want a simple, non-spicy meal that tastes delicious and doesn't jump around! Am I asking for too much?!

" _Sigh_ , Kazuma, I know this food is not exactly suited for a baby, but you kept insisting on having your meal _right now_! …Fine, I'll try making some baby-food – but you have to be patient and wait till it's done!"

I victoriously looked at Megumin, who tried to weasel her way out of cooking by simply reheating leftovers for me. Maybe _that_ will teach her a lesson of how draining babysitting them all really is!

"Hmm, let's see, what did Komekko like when she was little…?"

Megumin wondered aloud as she was going through our magic-cooled food storage.

Oi, stop comparing me to that little demon of gluttony, who'd eat anything offered to her! I swear, if she feeds me grilled bugs…

"Ah, perfect!"

Megumin dived out with satisfied expression. None of her ingredients had any wings or insect legs, so I let out a sigh of relief.

"…"

But it's so boring to just sit around while it's cooking! I wonder what I should do in a meantime…

 _Ugh_ , I wish I could just play my console to kill some time.

But I decided against it: if they find out that my mind remained intact, I can kiss my "vacation" goodbye and we'll go right back to me babysitting them all over again.

Well then, when you don't have a proper distraction, you…

"Uwaaaaah!"

"What is it, Kazuma? Be patient, it's not done yet."

Megumin, wearing an apron and with her hair tied back into a small ponytail, shot me an annoyed look over the shoulder, as she was in the middle of cooking.

I fiercely shook my head: that's not it, what I want is…!

"…"

Wait, how exactly do I show her that I want to play something until my meal is ready? …Ah, that's right!

"Play… toys!"

"What, right now? Just wait a bit, okay? I'm a little busy at the mo–."

"Uwaaaah!"

"I get it, geez! Just give me a sec."

Megumin returned shortly with Chomusuke in her arms.

"Alright, here's your plaything for tonight. Just be nice, okay?"

By "plaything", she's talking about her cat, right…?

Chomusuke curiously sniffed me before giving her approving " _nyaa_ ". I never thought being recognized without a freak-out would make me feel so happy…

…

"Alright, Kazuma, it's ready!"

I was playing with Chomusuke, who entertained me by passionately rubbing off my body and making funny cat moves, when Megumin called me.

"Fin-ally!"

I started energetically crawling towards the dining table, before Megumin intercepted and seated me on my chair with some propped-up books on its seat.

Chomusuke sat next to me on the table, still trying to sneak another rub. She likes me _that_ much, huh?

"Thank you for waiting!"

In visibly higher spirits, Megumin, emerged from the kitchen with a big plate in her hands. She seemed to regain her mental equilibrium after some quiet cooking.

"…"

I suspiciously looked at the _mush_ on the plate Megumin placed in front of me: am I really supposed to eat it? I threw a questioning glance back at her.

"Don't worry, Kazuma, it's actually really good. Komekko absolutely loved it when she was little, and I even added some of your favorite sweet flavors. I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy it!"

 _Growl_.

Ugh, looks like I don't have much of a choice but to take her word for it. Well, if that's the case…

"Ha!"

I acted like I was about to dig into this _thing_ with my bare hands.

Megumin, once again, was quick to intercept the move. And now she was trying her hardest to put a spoon into my hand, while I persistently kept giving it back to her.

I'm not suffering through this one alone, so stop being so thick-headed and take the damn hint already!

"Okay, that won't do! Here, say 'Aah!'."

Megumin reached towards me with a spoon full of _substance_ , slightly blushing for some reason.

Well, here goes nothing…

" _Nom_!"

"How is it? … _Eh_ , Kazuma, are you crying?! Is it really that bad?! I'm pretty sure I followed the recipe–!"

Please, be my mom, Megumin-sama!

Without realizing it, I snatched the spoon from her hand and dug into this mystery mix with much more enthusiasm!

"Whoa, slow down now, it's not going anywhere!"

" _Nya-nya_?"

"Oh, Chomusuke, you want some too? …Oi, Kazuma, stop being so greedy and share with her!"

Before we knew it, me and Chomusuke were chomping down this mystery dish from our respective plates like there was no tomorrow!

Megumin stood next to us, happily radiating with a smile of a chef, whose dish was devoured with such appetite.

...

"Geez, Kazuma, I took my eyes off you for like a minute!"

Megumin was diligently scrubbing me off with a towel.

"Delicious!"

"Oi, flattering my cooking won't help you get away with it! Seriously, how can you even make such a mess _that_ quickly? _Sigh_..."

Take it easy on my face, will you?! It's not my fault this damn furball tried stealing from my plate!

"...And you've been putting up with such chaos on daily basis, ne, Kazuma?"

Huh? Megumin was looking at me with a soft, somewhat distant, smile; there were no traces of that stern expression from a moment ago.

"Heh, look at me, already complaining after just one day. You shouldered such burden for so long, and we simply took it for granted..."

Megumin picked me up and seated on her lap face-to-face, gently removing any remnants of her mysterious meal. She was looking at me with the same serene expression.

"Remember when I told you how I formed my own thieving sub-branch? That's when I realized just how much of a toll it takes to manage a dysfunctional team. Kazuma, you're doing an amazing job and I truly appreciate how much you are doing for all of us. Geez, why is it so much easier saying all that when I see you like this…?"

Overflowed with emotions she doesn't show to anyone, Megumin tightly hugged me.

Honestly, I was feeling very conflicted about it.

Being enveloped with such affection only makes me crave for more, but such "mother-son" relationship is not something I should be experiencing with Megumin, right…?

"I hope that one day we can be like this again, only next time it will be three of us…"

O-oi. My heart inadvertently skipped a beat. I know we just reached the "above friends" stage, but isn't it too big of a jump?

" _Nyaa_."

"Ah, Chomusuke, you want in on it too? … _Eh_ , did she always like you _that_ much? Hey, you're _my_ familiar, remember? Oi!"

"…"

I just hope this incident did not awaken any maternal instincts in Megumin, and she won't be talking about having children too soon…

…

"Oi, quiet down, you two, I'm trying to concentrate!"

Megumin emerged from behind the book shelf with an opened volume in her hands. She was in the middle of researching the magic I was affected with.

After the lunch incident, she wanted to always keep me within her sights. Annoyingly, I ended up being with her in the library section because of that.

" _Nya-nyaa_!"

Thankfully, Chomusuke was in a surprisingly playful mood today, and she kept me a company almost everywhere. For that alone, I forgave her previous mischief attempts.

As for distraction, Megumin recovered some of Chomusuke's toys for me: that way, both baby and cat are happy. Smart.

" _Nya_?"

With her ears perked up, Chomusuke curiously turned to the library entrance. Did she pick up on something?

Indeed, I could hear faint footsteps, growing louder with each moment: its owner was clearly heading in our direction.

"Darkness?"

Megumin, who didn't hear any steps, turned around to face a surprise visitor, who just entered the room.

" _Wah_ , Megumin? W-what are you doing here?"

"That's my line. You're early today; did something happen?"

"… _Huh_? Oh, right. _Um_ , there seems to be a commotion in Axel, so I'm currently taking care of it."

"A commotion?"

Puzzled Megumin tilted her head. Darkness responded with a serious nod.

" _Un_. Apparently, those troublemakers were members of a newly-formed group, and they were spreading the word on the streets, inviting everyone to join MYMHA."

"MYM— _huh_?"

"Make Young Mothers Happy Again. As you can already guess, their main goal was offering help and support to young mothers."

Why do I have a bad feeling about this…?

"Y-young mothers, you say…"

" _Single_ young mothers! The ones who were _ravaged_ with their men's desires – _hah_ – just to get tossed aside later like a used rag… _Kyuu_!"

It didn't take long for Darkness to drop her serious Lalatina mask.

"B-but it was just a small group, right?! You've dealt with them no problem, right?!"

"If only it was that simple! Their slogans caught attention of _Axel's_ _Union of Single Women_ members, and it didn't take long for them to join forces!"

"S-single women, you say…"

"Oh, that's not all! They both already appealed to Luna-san for MYMHA formation approval. As soon as she heard their arguments, Luna-san approved it without hesitation."

"I'm not even sure I want to hear them…"

"MYMHA members will be doing quests to raise funds for single mothers, and _Union_ will provide them with moral support, consultations, and opportunities to meet a decent man."

"In other words, Luna-san will have more quests completed _and_ get more chances to secure a man for herself…"

Megumin stated the obvious with blank expression.

"Indeed, she had no reason to refuse it. I would've done the same in her place."

"But Luna-san approved it out of her own self-interest! Are you _really_ okay with that?!"

"O-of course I tried to intervene! _Ah_ , the looks everyone gave me, so full of spite and contempt! _Ngh_!"

"…" x2

"But seriously, Megumin, you never cared about such things before. So, why the sudden interest?"

Darkness suspiciously glared at Megumin.

"No reason! A-anyway, it still does not explain why you're here so early."

"Once they were done with approval, both groups barraged me with appeals to improve living conditions for – _hah_ – single mothers."

"And you simply caved-in, just like that?!"

"You should've seen how fiercely they all went at me: so rough, so intense – _kuh_ , how could I possibly resist such arguments? S-so, I decided to submit their demands to the governor for review and came here to fill out the paperwork."

"…You had to change your panties, didn't you? And all this paperwork's nothing but an afterthought."

" _Kyah_ , Megumin, what in the world are you saying?!"

"We lived with that low man under the same roof for over a year now. Why are you still embarrassed over something like that?"

"Something like that?! Even I have my pride as a maiden! M-more importantly, I need to— _huh_?"

Darkness finally noticed my presence.

Well, this is awkward, considering what she was talking about just now.

Not to mention, she gave me her first kiss not that long ago.

"Megumin…?"

"Ugh, Darkness, not you too…"

"Megumin… you… you became the victim of such — _kuh_ — horrible fate as well?"

" _Huh_?! No, I—!"

"Megumin, why…? Why didn't you tell me…?"

"Wa-wait just a second…!"

Darkness was shaking violently. Is she crying?

"To think that you've suffered through such humiliation of becoming… _hah_ … a single mother. Getting those pitiful gazes from everyone… _Hngh_ …"

"… _Eh_?"

"And yet, you didn't say anything because of our shared love for that man, did you? You didn't want to hurt my feelings and ruin our friendshi— ow, ow, stop pulling my braid, you'll tear it off!"

"I'll kill you!"

Megumin lashed out on that deranged crusader; me and Chomusuke simply enjoyed the show.

And just when it was getting to the good part…

"…Huh?"

I suddenly felt weird _down there_. Oh no…

My baby body acted on its own again: I literally just crapped myself in front of two girls…

And the worst part: my mind was still of a young adult. No matter how you look at it, it's beyond embarrassing!

I tried my hardest to keep quiet about it, but the feeling was getting far too nasty to bear. Dammit all!

"UWAAAAH!"

"Eh?" x2

Both girls froze in their mid-fighting positions as they looked at me.

"What is it, Kazuma?"

"Kazuma? You even named your first after Kazuma?!"

"Oh, for the love of: this _is_ Kazuma, the one and only!"

"Ah… huh… EH?!"

Darkness made a weird expression when she finally processed what Megumin just said.

"It's a long story. I'll explain later, we've got to deal with Kazuma first!"

"I don't really get it, but okay."

Darkness reluctantly agreed as both girls approached me.

"What's wrong, Kazuma? I already fed you, so you should be good for a while."

"Um, I don't think that's the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"W-well, Kazuma doesn't need any more food; he just reached the next stage."

"What, already?!"

"UWAAAH!"

Seriously, why do I _still_ have to babysit these girls and guide them to stop talking and start acting?!

"Okay, Megumin, let's not waste any more time – we've got to change him fast!"

"You did this before?"

" _Uh-huh_. Me and Claire-dono were taking care of Iris-sama when she was little, so leave this one to me!"

"U-understood! So, what do you want me to do?"

"In my room, next to the bed, second drawer from the bottom – grab as much as you can!"

When necessary, Darkness can truly act like a serious and responsible leader.

"I'm on it!"

After receiving such precise instructions, Megumin sprinted out of the library.

Meanwhile, Darkness hastily picked me up and laid me on a reading table.

" _Phew_ , alright, it's just like back then with Iris-sama: first, take off his clothes…"

With an evident experience of countless practices, she swiftly unbuttoned me.

I raised up my arms to speed up the undressing process: at this point, cooperating was the quickest way to rid myself of that nasty condition.

In a one fell swoop, Darkness stripped me down to my waist. She was surprisingly skilled at that.

However, despite her confident actions, she was shaking for some reason; was she nervous or something?

" _Huff_ , _huff_ , this is not how I imagined I'd be taking his clothes off…!"

…Huh?

Darkness was muttering something I couldn't possibly ignore.

And then she was feverishly slapping her cheeks: I didn't even have enough time to react to her delusional statement.

"No-no-no, now is not the time for that, I got to concentrate! _Hah_ … Okay, the top part is done. Now, onto his… pants…"

Oh _no_. I know that pause, that sudden shift in tone: I've dealt with it more times than I'm willing to admit…

Overcoming my sense of discomfort, I forced myself to look at Darkness again.

She shook her head while blushing furiously.

" _Kyah_ , no, I can't! If I do that, I'll see Kazuma's–!"

Out of all things, _that's_ what bothers her?!

Even if she still sees me as my normal self, that's not the problem here!

I saw her naked, she saw me naked – we both went through that phase already. Why is she still fussing over such minor details?

"I-it's alright, I'm just putting soakers on him. After all, he's a baby now… _Hah_ , yeah, he's a baby now…"

Darkness kept repeating those words like mantra.

But for some reason, it sounded like she was trying to self-justify doing something sinister to me.

Which obviously didn't make me feel any easier.

"Alright, Kazuma – _huff, huff_ – off with your pants now…"

I instinctively grabbed the hems and held them back with everything I got.

Even in my current predicament, I'd rather keep my pants on.

Especially with Darkness pulling them down with such a deranged expression!

" _Kh_ , come on, Kazuma, stop playing "hard-to-get" and let go of them already!"

Darkness pulled several more times, but to no avail.

Little did I know it was only adding fuel to the fire…

"D-don't think that such fierce defiance – _kuh_ – would be enough to stop me! No matter how much of a hard time you give me, I will not falter!"

Why is she panting even harder now?!

Dammit, I don't have time for your unleashed fetishes!

And stop getting your delirious face so close to me, you perverted crusader!

"Gah, Kazuma, stop kicking, and let me take… your… pants off!"

There is no way I'm letting this delusional woman have it her way – my chastity is at stake here!

But no matter how much I resist, I'm simply no match for Darkness's raw strength.

Oi-oi, it's getting dangerous in here!

"UWA— HE-E-E-LP!"

And as if on cue…

"I'm coming, Kazuma, I'm coming!"

…Megumin stormed into the library, her eyes glowing bright crimson!

"What's going on here?! Darkness, what are you doing to Kazuma?"

"Ah, Megumin, perfect timing, come over here, quick – I need your help!"

Picking up on the sense of urgency in the air, Megumin abandoned her menacing posture and rushed over to Darkness's side.

"Did you bring them?"

"I did, but... what are these?"

Megumin cocked her head in confusion. She was holding what looked like a bundle of white sheets.

"These wraps are enchanted to absorb and clean up baby waste."

Darkness replied while still firmly gripping my pants with every intention to pull them down.

" _Eh_?! I didn't know Darkness had this kind of problem!"

"T-That's not it at all! _Kh_ , just hold onto them for a moment, I'll need them real soon!"

"O-okay, but what should I do in a meantime? Do you need some help here?"

" _Ngh_ , I'm trying to take his pants off, but this man is – _hah_ – even more forceful than he normally is! Megumin, can you distract him for a moment – my hands are full holding him down!"

" _Eh_?! Um… Um…! Kazuma, I love you!"

" _Wah_?!" x2

For a moment, both me and Darkness were taken off-guard: these are not the words you'd expect to hear in such circumstances.

"Darkness – now!"

" _Huh_?! _Oh_ , got it!"

" _Dafuh_?!"

Before I knew it, my pants and everything underneath were yanked down in one swift move.

"Megumin, quick, grab his legs, I'll turn him around!"

"Got them! _Gah_ , Kazuma, why are you kicking me?!"

That girl just used such heart-warming words for something so sinister…

"I'm sorry, okay? That was the first thing I could think of…"

Megumin guiltily looked away, blushing furiously.

"Okay, on the count of three – one, two, heavy-ho!"

With their combined efforts, they flipped me on my stomach.

I felt like a sacrificial goat placed on the altar. Well, I'm not going down that easily!

" _Gh_ , where is all that energy coming from?!"

"Megumin, hold him tight, I got to clean Kazuma first!"

" _Defu_?!"

It might not sound like it, but Darkness just said something truly disturbing. This rotten woman is seriously after my chastity!

"Kazuma, it's just a cleaning, geez! Stop being so difficult and cooperate!"

"Megumin, it's no use to reason with him right now. But we _need_ to pacify him somehow…"

"Kazuma, just hold on for a little longer: it might hurt at first, but then you'd feel _so_ much better! And it will be over before you know it!"

That blue-balling sadist just poured more salt on my wounds without even realizing it!

" _Guh_ , why is he even more aggressive?!"

"Hold him, Megumin! A-a-and – there!"

"UWO-WO!"

True to her word of being an experienced care-taker, Darkness was _beyond_ diligent with her task.

" _Phew_ , the cleaning's done. Alright, I'll flip him over. Now, Megumin, finish him!"

"Got it!"

Wait, I heard those words loud and clear!

What do you mean – "finish him"?! Haven't they tortured me enough already?!

I was about to just let them have it their way and be done with it, but now…

They've already taken my chastity anyway, so no need to hold back. I'm taking this twisted S&M duo down with me even if it's the last thing I'll ever do!

"Kazuma – _gah_ – I'm just trying to put this soaker on you, stop kicking around!"

" _Kh_ , to reject me with such ferocity… Even at his worst, he never went so– _hyaaa_!"

" _Wah_ , Darkness, are you okay? What's happening?!"

" _Ufufu_ , Drain Touch, is it? So, even as a child, you were already like this, _huh_? Well, no matter: you can abuse my body all you want – I _will_ see that through!"

By this point, I stopped caring about my "cover".

How can I possibly act as an innocent child when these two cause me nothing but pain and suffering?!

All that mattered right now was returning them their favor in full.

"Darkness, get your hands off his grip and hold his legs till I strap this thing in between!"

But Darkness was already in ecstatic stupor and didn't to hear what Megumin was saying.

" _Haah_ , it feels so good! My mind's going all numb, and my body feels like it's floating…"

"Hey, snap out of it, I need you here! Just hold him tight, I should be done in no time!"

"I-it's okay, Megumin… _Hah_ , take your time…"

"O-oi!"

Megumin was panicking: she couldn't decide whether she should detach me from Darkness or proceed with putting these soakers or whatever on me.

Meanwhile, Darkness was reaching her critical point.

"Faster, Megumin, faster – _hah, hah_ – I'm at my limit here!"

"Ah… Ah… I'm trying! I'm doing it as fast as I can! _Gah_ , but he just keeps… kicking!"

"I can't… hold any longer! _Kya_ , he's going all out on me-e!"

"Awawa, wa-wa-wait just a moment…!"

" _Hah_ … _hah_ … _hngh_!"

"For me, for Darkness, for everything you made us go through – _hariyah_!"

Megumin roared some weird battle cry as she pulled both ends with all her strength!

 _Crack_!

"HOGWAAAA–!"

" _Ky-ahaa_!"

Darkness's body twisted in the most unnatural way as she fell backwards.

"Fa-tali-ty… _Gu_."

My violated body went completely limp. These girls are just beyond dangerous…

…

"We – _huff_ – we did it…"

All three of us looked like we just finished a marathon around Belzerg borders.

Megumin was lifelessly hanging over the sofa.

Darkness was tucked away somewhere in the corner, still drooling and panting.

And I was just lying flat on the table, despite all that energy I drained earlier.

My bottom was thoroughly wrapped with local diapers, which apparently are enchanted items in this world.

Oh, and don't get me started on my giant safety pin with demonic seal on it.

" _Ugh_ , this is just the worst…I don't think I'll survive another one of these…"

Megumin was the first to break the silence; she slowly lifted her head, looking in the general direction where Darkness was.

" _Hah_ , don't worry about it, Megumin…"

Darkness dreamily replied without changing her pose.

" _Please_ , tell me that means we don't have to do this thing every day!"

"W-well, we'll have to change them at some point, but these wraps are of the highest quality, so we should be good for a while."

"Really?!" x2

Me and Megumin both perked up our heads; it's hard to tell who was more relieved to hear that.

Darkness also came to her senses, but she seemed flustered for some reason.

"I mean, Iris-sama was wearing one for a while, and she looked fine. She _did_ cry eventually, yes, b-but of course, Claire-dono and I changed them as soon as that happened. So, it's all good, right?"

"…" x2

In other words, these "guardians" simply neglected her basic needs, fully entrusting the cleaning duty to a piece of magic cloth.

Poor Iris-chan: I always thought she had a rosy and carefree childhood as a princess.

Instead, she was in the care of girls who can mentally scar you for life by simply changing your diapers.

And now we both share these painful memories. _Sniff_ , we truly are a family…

" _Ugh_ , forget it. Next time he acts like this, I'm pacifying him right away, no questions asked. Anyway, what's the deal with these soakers?"

Megumin uttered some threatening things with a straight face, and then casually changed the topic.

"Eh?! I-it's nothing really! I just happened to take these left-overs after Iris-sama grew out of them!"

Darkness started fidgeting around and making up poor excuses.

"It's okay, Darkness, everyone has a thing or two they don't want to reveal to anyone. Don't worry, I'll keep your secret safe."

"It's not like that, I was saving these for the future! Never thought I'd be using them so soon though…"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing!"

"…"

This whole conversation was beyond cringeworthy, but Megumin _did_ bring a fair point there.

Why else would Darkness have such exclusive baby-caring items in her room, if not for a personal use?

"!"

That twisted woman! I simply can't let my guard down around her!

…

"So, you're telling me Kazuma ended up like this because of that ring he put on?"

"Un."

"And the reason why I now have all these "enthusiasts" running around inciting people is because they _totally_ misunderstood your situation?"

"Un."

"And the reason why they all want me to throw Kazuma in jail is because they think he was the one who… _kuh_ … defiled you?"

"…Un."

Darkness was towering over my "mommy" currently kneel-sitting in front of her with a guilty expression.

For some reason, I was also dragged into being lectured by the woman who changed her panties twice in one day.

I didn't understand why I had to put up with all that nonsense.

It's not my fault we triggered a social revolution in Axel by doing absolutely nothing…

Darkness let out a weary sigh.

"I'll deal with it later. More importantly, what do we do about him?"

"Well, we got to break this spell somehow. I thought I could find something useful here in the library, but no dice. I think I might have to go back to my village and delve deep into its archives."

Megumin immediately latched onto a new topic to spare herself from any more lectures.

"The spell, _huh_ … Can I see that ring for a bit?"

Darkness carefully took the ring and studied it with a serious expression.

"Any ideas?"

" _Hmm_ , I might need to do a bit more research before I can say for sure."

"What were you looking for anyway? I never thought you were a magic expert."

"No, it's not that. This ring looks quite simple, but I was wondering if it's actually a relic item."

"A relic, _huh_? Well, it _does_ hold this weird power, so might as well be one of them. But even if it is, how does it help us exactly?"

"Dustiness family possesses a fine print of all known relics and their powers. If this ring is indeed one of them, I should be able to find a proper counter-action and return Kazuma back to normal."

I just heard something I couldn't ignore: it's _way_ too early for that!

Where is my blissful life Vanir was talking about?! I have yet to experience one…

"A… counter-action?"

" _Uh-huh_. Just like each relic needs some special action to use its powers, it also possesses a counter-action to undo its effects."

"Hmm, I see, I see… Ah, Darkness, listen to this – I just thought of a perfect plan!"

"A plan?"

"Un. We'll split up: I'll go to my village to research its archives, and you'll study the ring at your estate."

"Oh, I get it: if it is a relic and I can find its counter-action – that's great, we can get Kazuma back in shape in no time…!"

"…And if not – I would have a backup plan, since I'd gather enough knowledge about this magic and how to deal with it!"

"Indeed! That's a great plan, Megumin!"

"I know, right?!"

Both girls were brimming with enthusiasm; I couldn't help but crack a smile, seeing them cooperating like that.

But then Darkness seemed to realize something.

"What about Kazuma though?"

"Hmm? What about him?"

As they both looked at me, my smile faded away: I knew exactly where this was going. Seriously, just give me my console and leave me alone already…

"One thing's for sure, we can't leave him on his own. I took my eyes off him for a minute – and I had to clean him and the half the room afterwards."

"Are you taking him with you then?"

"Nope, I've had enough of Kazuma for one day. Besides, mother will get the wrong idea if she sees me carrying him around like that."

"Then there's only one option… I'll take him with me. And I'll protect him – _hah_ – even with my body if I have too!"

I was too tired to react to Darkness's bold declaration.

Besides, no matter how rotten that woman is, she wouldn't cause any actual harm to her friends or allies. So, I think I'll be fine.

"… _Sigh_ , just don't drag him around for too long, okay?"

"B-but of course!"

"…"

These girls just won't leave me alone, and now they are forcing me into another "adventure".

All because I was trying to protect my food from that thieving furball!

Dammit Chomusuke!

" _Nyaa_!"


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I got dressed back into my shrunken adventuring gear and watched Darkness frantically packing the bag for the trip. Megumin stood beside her with a checklist and verified if everything was in order.

"Portable bottles with baby food?"

"Check."

"Extra soakers? In case the enchantment wears off."

"Check."

" _Hm_ , I don't think we need extra clothes, unless we shrink them at Wiz's as well. Toy for Kazuma?"

"Check."

"Lizard runner tickle leg?"

"Check."

" _Oho_ , we even have sleep-shrooms?"

"The ones that make you fall asleep if you suck it for a bit? Check."

"Full-size flying kite, Destroyer Edition?"

"Why do we even have it in the first place? Check."

As the list went on, checked items kept getting weirder and weirder. I mean, what the heck is a lizard runner tickle leg?!

But then again, this world does not even have such basic commodities like condoms, pacifiers, or sucker-bottles. So, the locals have their own ways of dealing with babies, I guess.

"All right, all set!"

Darkness stood up and stretched with a satisfied groan.

"Are you sure you can carry it all by yourself? Do you want me to help you?"

"It's fine! These two are lighter than my chest piece alone."

She confidently picked me up and leaned against her shoulder, while carrying the whole bag on the other one like it was nothing.

If there's one thing this burly woman was not lacking in the slightest, it's muscles for sure.

"So, you ready?"

"Yep! Let's go!"

They nodded to each other. Why are they so enthusiastic about it?

" _Ugh_ …"

And with that, we set off for yet another "adventure".

…

We headed off to the Wiz's shop.

Normally we would use a regular station for teleportation purposes.

However, we had to resort to under-the-counter methods this time to avoid unnecessary attention.

Darkness protested at first since she wanted to use bustling main streets, but Megumin was very adamant about taking back alleys instead.

Vanir was the one to greet us.

"Welcome, welcome! Why if it isn't the troublesome duo of this unfortunate lad. Please come in, come in. Oh, and don't mind the garbage."

The first thing we saw when we entered the shop was scorched Wiz lying in the corner.

I was too used to that sight to be surprised by this point.

Darkness, who normally wouldn't stand by such actions, was looking at Wiz with envious eyes.

Megumin let out an exasperated sigh.

"I'm sure I'm going to regret it, but I'll ask anyway: what in the world happened after we left you just a short while ago?"

"Instead of working off our debt, that failure of a shopkeep got even more of useless junk. Because of that brat's condition, she thought it would be a good idea to sell talking soakers, which supposedly would tell restless parents that their troublesome offspring needs changing."

"And the catch is…?"

"It will talk at any time of the day, even in the middle of the night. Thou can imagine how easily that could scar those poor unfortunate souls for life… But enough about moi and my problems; you're here for teleportation scrolls, correct?"

" _Ugh_ , stop reading my mind so casually, it's creepy. Seriously, how can this shop even remain in such a sorry state when you have an ability like that?"

Disgruntled Megumin handed him a fair-sized pouch.

"Moi suggest thee to be _very_ careful with such words. Who knows what might happen in the future where thou might need my help."

"Yeah, like _that_ would ever happen!"

"Fuhahahaha, then moi would be waiting for our next encounter with an utmost anticipation!"

In the end, we bought four scrolls, so we could finish our respective investigations and get back to mansion by evening.

Megumin reminded us once again not to get too sidetracked before disappearing in a circle of blue light.

Darkness used the scroll as well, and moments later I was enjoying the view of capital's pristine streets.

…

" _Ooh_ , it's Lalatina-sama. _Owo_ , her boy is so adorable!"

"Wait, is she married already?"

"She is?! _Wah_ , how could I possibly miss that party?!"

"So, she broke off from her wedding with Alderp-sama, and instead eloped with that adventurer?"

"No way, is this a bastard child of that trashy commoner? _Kyah_ , how scandalous!"

" _Kuh_! This is—!"

Darkness was beet red from embarrassment after hearing all those rumors around her.

But that didn't stop her. Nope, she proceeded to even busier places instead!

That's right, she dragged me, an innocent child, into a huge crowd just so she could get a kick out of it!

Just how low can a single person fall?

In my feeble attempts to save whatever dignity I have left, I pleaded to Darkness with gestures to go somewhere less crowded; after some hesitation, she finally complied.

We headed into one of the side alleys.

"You did great, Kazuma! Hopefully, that'll stop all those marriage candidates from showing up at my place every day. This is getting quite tiresome."

"…"

Well, to be fair, my presence alone was enough to discourage any romantic advances. Darkness realized it as well and was shamelessly using me to repel any potential suitors.

Given her situation as a noble, I can't really blame her for this…

My thoughts were interrupted by a brutish-sounding voice.

"Stop right there, you law-abiding scum!"

A bunch of shady-looking guys stood in the middle of the passage, clearly blocking our path.

…

I wasn't worried about this sudden development since I knew Darkness could easily handle it on her own.

Even when she's like…

"What should I do, Kazuma?! Look at all these brutes and their filthy, lecherous eyes! Are they going to rob me, restrain and drag me into a dark place to do some despicable things?! _Kyu_!"

Darkness was brimming with excitement and anticipation; she sounded like a child who saw an exotic animal at the zoo for the first time.

The men in question looked stunned. They clearly never dealt with a "victim" who'd willingly allow them to rob her and even suggest more outrageous things.

"Keep it together, you morons!"

One of them, who looked like a leader, stepped forward. He was the first to recover from Darkness's antics.

"Such a voluptuous woman willingly offers us her wealth _and_ her body. Now that would be just rude to refuse her, wouldn't it? You there, go get her!"

He motioned to one of his henchmen.

The underling hesitantly tried to grab Darkness by the elbow, but she easily twisted his wrist with her free arm. Poor guy slowly dropped on the pavement in a weird pose without making a sound.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"You can have your way with my body, but you'll never capture my heart! And I certainly won't give in to a wimp who faints at the slightest touch! You must come at me with everything you got!"

The leader screeched his teeth in anger.

"Don't underestimate us, you bitch! Everyone, surround her! Let's see how this pretty bird will sing her tune once we get her baby!"

"If even a single hair falls off Kazuma's head, jail-time will be the least of your concerns!"

"?!"

That delirious tone from the moment ago vanished completely: Darkness looked like an angry lioness, ready to protect her cub with everything she got.

Some of those guys backed away from her intimidating tone.

"Don't just stand there, you cowards! It's five of us against a single woman, she stands no chance!"

The leader drew his dagger and charged at Darkness full speed. He was either too brave or too stupid.

…

It all ended quicker than it would take me to pronounce Darkness's full name.

This was not even a fight, more like a one-sided beat-up: Darkness single-handedly kicked them all unconscious.

I seriously think she should give up on using the sword and make her fists as primary weapon.

"?"

Darkness kneeled over the unconscious leader and started patting all over his body. Seriously, what is she up to now?

However, she stood up shortly afterwards with a deep frown on her face.

"I thought Black Talons were on the run. What are _they_ doing here?"

Darkness quietly murmured to herself; she looked really concerned about something.

I wasn't sure what was going on, but apparently these guys on the ground weren't your typical troublemakers and having them roaming around the capital was a bad sign.

"Kazuma, it might get a bit cramped but deal with it for a moment."

" _Whoa_!"

…

The guard at the station turned pale when a woman dropped six healthy male bodies to his feet like a bunch of potato sacks.

Darkness briefly explained the situation to him; once she was done, we resumed our journey.

She no longer had her head in the clouds, so we didn't take any more detours and headed straight for the mansion.

"Welcome back, Lalatina-sama." x2

We were greeted by a pair of maids, who came to pick up Darkness's luggage.

"My, your son looks absolutely adorable, Lalatina-sama!" x2

" _Eh_?! No, that's not—!"

Flustered Darkness clearly lost her train of thought as she was clumsily trying to deny it.

"A-anyway, there is an urgent matter I need to discuss with my Father at once. Please take care of Kazuma for the time being."

For some reason, both maids shot cold stares at me. But they quickly composed themselves and bowed in unison.

"Understood, Lalatina-sama." x2

…

They dragged me into what looked like a changing room.

"Poor Lady Lalatina… Not only that low-life commoner corrupted our fair lady beyond return, but now he also cursed her with his offspring without even properly marrying her! What a scumbag!"

" _Ugh_ , just look at that smug face… Such a copy of a father, he didn't even bother to take a single trait from Lalatina-sama. I hope she abandons that good-for-nothing man as soon as possible…"

"…"

They finally showed their true colors and weren't even hiding their open contempt for me.

But I wasn't angry at them or anything. These delusional maids truly believed Darkness was a pure maiden before meeting me; they already were beyond salvation.

" _Sigh_ , still, Lalatina-sama asked us to take care of him. So, let's just get this over with quickly."

"We need to rid him off these janky rags and dress him up to fit the status of Lady Lalatina's child."

" _Um_ , but we don't have anything that would fit the boy of his age. A little cardigan, maybe?"

"There's no need for anything that fancy. I'll bring Lady Lalatina's old baby clothes, that'll do."

"?!"

My whole body shuddered at the prospect of an imminent nightmare.

And I had a good reason to be worried: I almost threw up on the inside when I saw those tacky, sickeningly pink girlish garbs with frills they were planning to dress me into.

There's no way I'm wearing this atrocity!

" _Hou_ , you dare to resist us, _boi_?"

"?!"

" _Ara, ara_ , Kazuma-kun. Such a naughty child we got on our hands…"

"Do you know what happens to naughty boys and girls in Dustiness household? They get punished."

"And Lady Lalatina was quite the feisty one, oh yes. She received a _lot_ of punishment."

" _Gulp_."

With maids like these, no wonder Darkness ended up being the way she was…

"But you don't want anything happening to you, do you now?"

"Then don't stand in our way, _boi_!"

I raised my hands immediately: these two looked like they'd resort to any means necessary to get the job done. And I wasn't ready to reopen my diaper changing scars just yet…

…

Once these "maids" were done changing me, we headed to the main hall.

As we were getting closer, I could make out parts of the conversation happening somewhere in a distance.

"…Father! What is the meaning of this?!"

"Lalatina, dear, listen…"

"This is the capital, Father! It's supposed to be the most protected city in all Belzerg! So how come these bounty-heads are freely roaming around the streets like it's their territory?!"

"Lalatina, please, let me explain…"

Those two seemed to be having a serious conversation, but these damn maids weren't fazed by it at all. They symbolically knocked on the door and entered the room.

"Our apologies, Ignis-sama, Lalatina-sama." x2

" _Huh_? Wait, why are you two—?"

" _Hm_ , and who's this little guy?"

"Lalatina-sama asked us to take a good care of her boy before we could introduce him to you, Ignis-sama." x2

" _Hawa_?!"

" _Hawa-hawa_ , what's this?! 'Her boy'?! Did I hear that right?! You said it was 'her boy', correct?!"

"Yes, Ignis-sama." x2

"H-hold on, you two! Father, please, it's a mis—"

" _Sniff-sniff_. My grandson…"

"Fa-Father?!"

"Lalatina, my dear, so it _was_ true after all!"

"Wha-what are you—?"

"When you said back then that you were carrying Kazuma-san's child, I was so happy! But then you both went to such lengths to convince me it was just a misunderstanding…"

" _Ha…_ _Haha_ … _Ha_ …"

Darkness tried her hardest to laugh it off, but I could tell she was panicking.

Normally I would just let her have it for making up that nonsense about having my baby in a first place.

However, she protected me from those thugs back then, and Darkness was quite serious about putting her life on the line for me. So, I guess I'll help her this time.

"Mommy!"

I happily exclaimed, stretching my arms towards Darkness.

" _Huwe_?!"

" _Uwaa_ , Lalatina, my girl! You've grown into such a fine woman! _Sniff-sniff_ , I'm so happy!"

"I-Is that so…?"

Darkness absent-mindedly picked me up.

She was clearly at a loss of what to do with me and simply looked back at me with her face beet-red.

"Mommy, _huh_ …?"

" _Uhuhuhu_ , this is just too precious!"

Her father was not even trying to contain his overflowing emotions any longer.

"A-anyway, you two, prepare a bath for us; I feel like I'll need one afterwards. Father, let's not get distracted, please tell me what's going on in the Capital!"

 _Owo_ , what's this?! Am I really getting a proper bath scene with Darkness?!

I tried my hardest not to look too excited.

"Very well, Lalatina. Now that you have the little one to protect, I'll do everything in my power to make sure you both are happy!"

"Father!"

"Understood, Lalatina-sama." x2

"?!"

No, don't give me back to these maids again! Not after I finally got myself free from their clutches!

I was about to cry for help, but something in their eyes told me it was a bad idea.

" _Gulp_."

I silently offered my prayers to Eris-sama and mentally prepared myself for the worst…

…

The maids of doom were filling out the bathtub in silence.

I liked this approach of ignoring me completely way better, so I decided not to irk them for no reason and sat perfectly still. Maybe I'd dodge the bullet that way.

However, as soon as they turned off the faucet…

"Listen up, _boi_ : Lalatina-sama has a lot on her plate right now."

"And, as the maids of Dustiness household, it's our utmost duty to ensure Lady Lalatina's happiness."

"So, if you ever make Lalatina-sama cry, we'll turn you into the second heiress of the Dustiness dynasty."

"Oh my, don't look at us with those eyes, we aren't _that_ barbaric."

"Indeed, we've got a _lovely_ potion just for that purpose. And trust me, we won't hesitate to use it on you."

"That handsome masked gentleman has assured us of its potency, and honestly, I tend to believe him."

"So, you'd better be a good _boi_ and don't cause any trouble for Lalatina-sama, is that clear?"

"… _Hai_."

At this point, I couldn't tell which one was scarier: drinking Vanir's potion or turning into a girl because of it. Seriously, why do they even have such potion in the first place?!

"What's going on here?"

I almost cried out in relief when I heard Darkness's voice: I'm saved!

Demonic duo sighed in disappointment but handed me over with innocent smiles on their faces.

"We took a good care of your _boy_ while you were out, Lalatina-sama."

"Please don't worry about anything and enjoy your bath to the fullest, Lady Lalatina."

"Thank you, you both can go now."

Maids shot me warning glares one last time before they bowed in unison and left the room.

"…" x2

We entered the bath in a complete silence.

Something was off about Darkness, and that genuinely concerned me.

What can I do to brighten up the mood and snap her out of it?

With best intentions in mind, I took this opportunity to rub my face against her voluptuous chest.

But Darkness did not react to it in the slightest and simply let out a heavy sigh.

"I just wanted to find that book… I didn't come here to hear the news that the Devil King is making the move, and his army is now closer to the Capital than ever before! How did things get so bad that even Royal Guard is drafting City Watch into the army?! _Ugh_ , and now these looters on the top of that… What should I do, Kazuma?"

"…"

It took me a moment to realize that Darkness said something very serious just now.

What is going on here? What's with this sudden plot development?

Isn't it supposed to be just another one-off case, where something happens to us, we have a good laugh at it and then move on with our lives?

Struck with these sudden news, my mind shifted its gears into the overdrive.

Is that why we saw those marauders from earlier? Were they taking advantage of the invasion chaos, when there were fewer guards and adventurers patrolling the streets?

One thing I knew for sure: that's not good at all! My blissful days were under the threat of becoming nothing but a distant dream!

"It's okay. Don't worry about it, I'll think of something. My top priority right now is getting you back to normal."

Darkness reassured me with a weak smile, but I could see just how much burden she ended up shouldering.

"…" x2

We finished washing and left the bath just as quietly.

I didn't even realize that I missed a real chance to fondle Darkness's chest without any repercussions.

All because my mind was preoccupied with that stupid and untimely Devil King's invasion!

…

Darkness finally regained her composure at the mansion's library.

The news about Devil King's army certainly threw a wrench into her plans. However, Darkness managed to set her priorities straight, and was currently searching for the book in question.

I wasn't sure if dealing with my condition was more important than addressing the invasion emergency. Besides, I _really_ didn't want to get dragged into dealing with that mess.

"Ah, found it!"

She returned with a fancy-covered book in her hands. I glanced at the title.

"Mysterious Relics and How to Use Them."

"…"

I'll just pretend I never saw it.

Darkness flipped through pages one-by-one, comparing the ring with surprisingly detailed illustrations of existing relics. And after who knows how long…

" _Ugh_ , it's just no use! I can't find anything even resembling that ring!"

She slammed shut the book in exasperation.

" _Sigh_ , looks like this ring is not the relic after all. That sure complicates the matter. I hope Megumin finds something useful on her end…"

"…"

No, I wasn't freaking out about remaining the baby and having to grow up naturally in this crazy world. Seriously, I wasn't.

Instead, I was thinking if I should just, you know, let it go.

Maybe it was simply meant to be. Maybe _this_ was my reincarnation as a baby that I asked Eris-sama at one point!

"Then there's no time to waste. You two, get our things ready, we're leaving at once!"

"As you wish, Lalatina-sama." x2

"?!"

…

Darkness hastily saw her father off before we teleported back to Axel with the Wiz's remaining scroll.

She was visibly frustrated with the lack of progress on her end. Not to mention other issues she had to worry about as well.

I, on the other hand, was absolutely delighted to finally be rid of those demons wearing maid clothes and their parting "do not disappoint us, _boi_ ". I truly hope I'll never see them again!

"…"

Compared to our previous trip, Darkness was not in a good mood.

She tightly squeezed me to her chest and swiftly walked straight back to our mansion with a serious expression on her face.

I wish she wasn't wearing her armor though.

…

"Seems like no one else is back yet, huh…"

We stepped into the empty mansion.

Megumin still hasn't come back from her village.

Neither did Aqua. Come to think of it, I haven't seen her at all today.

I wonder how _she_ would react when she sees me like that. Given her personality, I probably shouldn't even try to predict her response.

"Just give me a moment, I'll be right back."

Darkness interrupted my thoughts as she seated me in the armchair.

She returned shortly afterwards, dressed in her casual clothes and carrying stack of papers.

Before I knew it, she was taking me… to the library?

Darkness couldn't find any information on this ring anywhere; all she could do at this point was waiting for news from Megumin. So, why the library again?

"I'm sorry, Kazuma, but I need some time to think. So, _um_ , here."

Darkness was clearly somewhere else as she gave me an ink stamp and a bunch of clean papers to play with.

"…"

I picked up my "toy" and started to relentlessly stamp papers with it, imagining that I'm doing it all to Darkness.

Surprisingly, it ended up being quite addicting, just like popping bubble wraps. Soon enough, I ran out of paper to stamp on.

" _Gu_ …"

I let out a disappointed sigh; now what do I do?

Normally I'd be content with just playing the console.

However, it still bothered me that I missed my steamy bath scene with Darkness earlier.

So, I think it's time to catch up with everything I've been deprived of ever since coming to this world!

"Play… boo—"

"Not now, Kazuma, I'm a little busy right now…"

Darkness replied without even looking at me.

I've rarely seen her being so focused on something.

She's got to be thinking about the Devil King's marching towards the Capital. And it's not something to be taken lightly.

However, it doesn't mean you can just leave me sitting around and doing nothing. Looks like I'll have to use my ultimate weapon.

"Mommy!"

" _Kyah_?!"

Darkness turned to me wide-eyed, with a slight blush on her cheeks.

She is quite adorable when she does not behave like her usual rotten self.

" _Jeez_ , Kazuma, what are you thinking, calling me 'Mommy' and such? And even Father called you 'my little one'… _Nyuu_."

Darkness might be complaining, but she picked me up nevertheless. Her eyes were shining.

"I'd be lying if I said that I didn't like it…"

She was looking at me with a sad smile while trying to fix my curls.

I got a weird feeling of déjà vu. Did I just awaken maternal instincts in Darkness as well?

I shuddered from a mere thought of that.

No matter how much I enjoy her body features, there's no way I'd want her to be my mother.

" _Hah_ , I truly wish we could just stay like this for a while. But there is no time for that… This news of the Devil King truly came out of nowhere, and I have to think of something."

I already knew that was the case; it must've been lingering on her mind ever since she heard about it.

"His Majesty will probably station me to defend Belzerg. And I'll protect it with everything I have! But…! But…!"

Darkness started shaking. It was really taking a toll on her, huh.

To cheer her up, I tried my best to hug her shoulder.

"But that means that I'm not going to the frontlines! The Royal Army will have all the fun while I'll be stuck in the Capital!"

"… _Wut_?"

"The Devil King's army won't have a chance to capture me, ravage my body, and torture me in any way! _Kyah_ , I can't be left out like that! What should I do, Kazuma?!"

She tightly hugged me while blurting out all that nonsense with a deranged expression!

" _Humufu_ —!"

Give me all my empathy back!

Just when I thought how cool Darkness looked when she had that serious expression!

But this perverted crusader was not worried about the invasion in the slightest! All this time she was frantically thinking of a plan to be sent to the frontlines, just so she could get off her kink!

That damn woman!

" _Sigh_ …"

Oh well. Darkness might have a twisted personality, but her chest is as large and bouncy as ever. Might as well take a full advantage of the situation and get a handful.

Without any reservations, I buried my face into her breasts.

" _Kyuuu_!"

Ah, so nice and soft. I think I've finally reached the bliss I was yearning for all this time! I wish I could just stay like this forever…

But of course, as soon as things started getting juicy…

"I seriously just can't leave you two alone, can I?"

" _Kyah_ , Megumin?! No, it's not what—"

"Yes-yes, I know that already. But both of you were making such lewd faces, it was really annoying…"

"I-I'm not lewd, I simply picked him up!"

Megumin just let out a tired sigh.

She literally dragged herself to the nearest armchair and collapsed into it; she clearly was not in the mood for an idle conversation.

Darkness slowly approached her.

" _Um_ , are you feeling okay, Megumin? H-How did it go?"

She carefully picked every word: Megumin looked like she would implode from a single careless phrase.

" _Ha-ah_ , that was just the worst. I simply wanted to research that weird magic. But how can I do that when everyone around me acted like the village was on fire or something?! I thought I'd go nuts!"

" _Wah_ , you too, Megumin?"

"Me too? What do you mean?"

Darkness briefed her on the news about the Devil King's invasion.

"I see. Yeah, I thought it'd be something like that."

"You don't sound too surprised about it."

"Well, we deal with the Devil King's army on a regular basis, so it's not that big of an issue. I'm just surprised about the timing."

"How so? Did you hear anyone saying anything weird?"

"Not really, everyone just kept telling me not to worry about it. Besides, I was trying to concentrate and read that damn book, so I wasn't really paying attention to anything else."

"Well, it doesn't matter. With the Devil King's invasion, you know what that means, right?"

" _Un_."

Girls nodded to each other with serious expressions, and they both looked at me.

"We are getting him back to normal asap!" x2

"NO-O!"

That stupid Devil King: he just _had_ to invade and ruin my vacation plans!

And now these two are completely bent over reverting my condition over everything else! What's with these backwards priorities?!

Am I the only one who's even remotely concerned about this whole invasion thing?!

Darkness patted me on the head, probably thinking I was just seeking attention.

"There-there, you'll be your regular self before you know it. Anyway, Megumin, did you find anything useful from that book?"

" _Um_ , yeah, about that…"

Megumin seemed hesitant to share her findings. But before she could say anything else…

"I'm ba-a-ack! _Phew_ , such a wonderful day again. C'mon everybody, what's with all these sour faces? _Ara_ , who's that little cutie?"

Beaming Aqua burst into the room, completely oblivious to everything like always.

We all greeted her with pained expressions.

 _Ugh_ , here we go again…

…

Darkness and Megumin took turns to explain everything that happened to us. Aside from her bursting out laughing at first, Aqua simply kept nodding with deep " _humu-humu_ " sounds.

"…As such, we're doing everything we can to get him back to normal."

"Indeed, he was quite a pain to deal with. We got to do something fast, or else—"

"Sacred Break Spell!"

Aqua interrupted them both with a loud spell chanting.

" _Guh_!"

I felt a familiar sensation again.

It was like taking a dip into a cool bath to wash off sweat and grime after a day of hard work.

And then you leave the bath, all pristine and scrubbed clean like a baby… Like a baby… A baby…

A baby?!

" _Ara_? It didn't work? I thought for sure— _Geh_ , don't give me that look, Kazuma, it's creepy…"

"…"

Useless… Even now, this goddess is completely useless!

Aqua started thinking aloud; her pride as a priest was hurt, I could tell.

"That's weird, this spell should break any curses or malicious enchantments. Whatever Kazuma is affected with, it doesn't look like an evil curse, and I don't sense any enchantment cast upon him either."

"Wait, what do we do then?! I mean, if we can't dispel it somehow…"

"Yeah right, as if we can simply dispel the [Time Magic]!"

Stupefied, all three of us turned to Megumin, who casually blurted out something incomprehensible like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"… _Nani_?" x3


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

" _Um_ , Megumin, can you please repeat what you just said…?"

"Yeah right, as if we can simply dispel the [Time Magic]."

Darkness took a deep breath.

"Alright, let's try it again. Megumin, can you please tell me what exactly you do you mean by [Time Magic]?"

"[Time Magic] is [Time Magic], and that's all there is to it."

Megumin shrugged it off with "that should be obvious" expression.

My head started hurting again. You can't just introduce something like that out of the blue and expect me to roll with it!

"That's not what I mean! You sound like you knew about it all along!"

"Well, to me it's pretty much the same thing as knowing that cabbages can fly. It's there, but why I should care? It's not the Explosion magic."

"What about you, Aqua?!"

Darkness desperately turned to Aqua as if she was her last beacon of hope.

"Who do you think I am? I'm a goddess, so obviously I knew it existed; I just forgot all about it."

Aqua replied in her typical manner. What else can you expect from useless…?

Darkness took several more breaths to compose herself.

"But I've never even heard of such thing!"

"Well, of course you haven't. It's quite an ancient magic, even we barely covered it in our history classes."

"And besides, who'd be stupid enough to waste decades of their life to learn it?"

 _Thud_.

Defeated Darkness slumped to the floor. She looked like she was about to wail.

I felt bad for her: that's pretty much exactly what I went through each time they nonchalantly introduced me to another nonsense from this world and expected me to accept it.

Welcome to the club.

…

" _Ha-a-ah_ , alright, now that I know about this whole [Time Magic] thing, what else should I be aware of?"

Darkness slowly asked once she has finally calmed down.

Megumin thought for a moment.

"Well, normally, no matter how strong the spell is, it should wear off eventually. However, [Time Magic] doesn't work that way: once it's casted, it's a done deal."

"Then what are we supposed to do?! How do we get him back to his regular self?!"

I energetically nodded alongside Darkness as my way to join in: yeah, that!

All I wanted was to take a little break.

You know, _without_ having to grow up again in this stupid world and watching all girls around me getting married and having children of their own!

"H-how should I know?"

"Don't give me that! C'mon, Megumin, think! Did you find anything else? Anything at all?!"

" _Ha-wa-wa_ , stop shaking me, Darkness! I tried, I seriously did, but reading even basic passages on this topic made my head hurt."

"Did you _at_ _least_ bring that book with you?"

"If I tried to take it out of the archives, the alarm would start blaring all over the place. And everyone in the village was already on edge, so I decided not to take any chances."

Darkness dropped into the armchair with a pained groan and grabbed her head.

I feel pretty much the same way.

The situation is getting _way_ out of hand for me to remain on the sidelines. I really need to get it together and start acting. The problem is: how do I even approach this whole thing?

"C'mon everyone, I'm sure we'll think of something. We just need to cool our heads for a bit."

Aqua broke the gloomy atmosphere with a surprisingly reasonable suggestion.

I couldn't help but give her an astonished look. What is going on here?

"Yeah, I think you might be right…" x2

Darkness and Megumin, on the other hand, were too tired to even be surprised at this point. They simply went with the flow and agreed that this might indeed be the best course of action.

…

"Alright, Aqua, we're off. You know what to do, right?"

"But of course! Have fun, you two."

Megumin claimed that she had a lot of stress to relieve.

Therefore, she went for the Explosion trip with Darkness, leaving me in Aqua's care.

" _Ne-ne_ , Kazuma-kun, look at this!"

" _Owo_!"

Aqua created a beautiful water arc over herself, and I could've sworn I saw a live fish swimming in it!

"How do you like it, _hmm_? You want to see more, don't you?"

I repeatedly nodded my head in anticipation.

" _Fufu_ , then feast your eyes upon this beautiful goddess and see for yourself what I'm capable of!"

She kept entertaining me with her seemingly endless list of tricks, and I watched them all with a genuine awe. It was just like a magic show, where you keep asking yourself "How is she doing that?!"

That's pretty much how the rest of my evening flew by; Darkness and Megumin returned from their trip somewhere in-between, but I was too absorbed in the performance to notice anything else.

And just around the time Aqua finished her last trick…

 _Growl_.

" _Ara_ , are you hungry, Kazuma-kun?"

" _Ugh_ , I hope he's not as picky this time around…"

Megumin, who was chilling in her armchair until a moment ago, stood up and sighed. She probably recalled her previous struggles to feed me.

Darkness set aside the book she was reading and joined the conversation as well.

"But we shouldn't give Kazuma what he normally eats, correct?"

"Yeah, his teeth aren't fully formed yet and he's currently more sensitive to spices, so Kazuma needs something soft and simple."

"Then how about I make him some of my specialties? That should fit right in!"

"Sure, go for it, I'm done trying to please this man's childish tastes."

"?!"

They aren't seriously planning to stuff me with Aqua's cooking, are they?! I mean, I'd rather have another serving of Megumin's Mystery Food X, now that I have my big boy soakers on!

"Yeah, I think that's for the best as well, so let's just go with that."

"…"

I've gathered all these riches, bought all these high-quality ingredients; yet somehow, I ended up with a generous mound of natto beans and tuna mayo on my plate. What did I do to deserve _this_?!

…

The dinner was quite uneventful.

Girls talked some more about my condition, but they couldn't come up with any new solutions for my problem.

Therefore, they decided to call it a day and take a late-night bath.

I got excited there for a moment, but my bath ended up with Aqua washing me in a small tub. My already low spirits have plummeted even further.

" _Sigh_."

Maybe I should just go to sleep and forget all about it. And then I'd wake up the next morning to realize that everything from that day was nothing but a nightmare…

Wouldn't _that_ be nice?

But instead…

"So, what do we do with Kazuma?"

Three girls surrounded me, apparently in the middle of some debate.

"Well, we can't leave him sleeping alone in his room, right?"

"Yeah. Otherwise, we won't hear him screaming in the middle of the night."

"And it's Kazuma we're talking about, so he absolutely will."

Seriously, what's with them and their complete lack of faith in me?! I may look like a baby, but it doesn't mean I can't just sleep normally!

But girls didn't seem to think that way as they switched to discussing whose room I should be sleeping in. I didn't care either way since I knew nothing exciting would happen.

And they really kept going at it, so I had to intervene again.

"UWAAAAAH!"

In the end, it was decided that we all will be sleeping together in the living room.

Darkness and Megumin quickly made some improvised beds while Aqua built a weird contraption I wasn't even sure how to describe. I gave her a questioning look.

" _Fufun_ , how do you like it, Kazuma? A beautiful goddess went out of her way to make this comfy bed for you; I even added some touches, so you wouldn't move around too much. What do you think?"

"…"

What do I think about the bed that looks like it came straight from asylum or a torture chamber?

Well then, since she asked me so nicely…

"UWAAAAH!"

" _Gyaah_ , you're so annoying! Here, have some wine and just shut up already!"

"Aqua, what are you doing?! He's a baby!"

"Yeah Aqua, he'll just get noisier and more troublesome if he's drunk. Is that what you want?"

"Megumin, that's not the issue here!"

" _Ugh_ , fine. After all this work I went through for that ungrateful _hikkiNEET_ …"

Grumbling Aqua tinkered some more with her creation until it finally started looking like a normal bed and even tossed some toy in it.

"Now you have no excuse to cry at night!"

" _Sigh_."

No matter how vexing Aqua's antics might be, I simply cannot stay mad at her for too long.

At least, that's what I thought and was about to forgive her, but…

"You're already costing me quite a fortune, Kazuma, so I'll be taking it out of your savings as a part of my allowance."

"…"

This clueless goddess just ruined the mood again…

…

"Alright, good night everyone."

Girls said goodnights to each other and went to their impromptu beds.

I thought I'd be sleeping like a log, but now that everything's calmed down, I realized that I wasn't tired at all. Too many things happened to me in one day, and I really need to sort them all out in my head.

"…"

On second thought, mulling over all this complicated stuff is just too bothersome.

Besides, I'm pretty sure that sooner or later my trio will _conveniently_ stumble upon the means to resolve my issue. So, I should just lean back and let them handle it for once.

" _ZzzzZzzz…_ " x3

Still widely awake and with nothing else to do, I watched peacefully sleeping girls in turns.

Megumin motionlessly lied in her post-Explosion position. She may be obsessed with that spell and act like a brat at times, but she was genuinely passionate while taking care of me.

Darkness was lewdly hugging the pillow with a dumb smile on her face. She might be twisted with her desires of being abused and trampled upon, but she didn't hesitate to put her life on the line for my sake.

Aqua splayed out like a starfish with her favorite "teddy bear" bottle tucked to her side. Her antics can be extremely annoying, but she always knows how to lighten the mood, and children are naturally drawn to this silly goddess because of it.

They all have what it takes to be great mothers. But their personalities…

" _Yawn_."

The fatigue has finally caught up to me.

Unable to keep myself up any longer, I slowly drifted into a deep slumber…

…

"… _hehehehe_."

" _Huh_?"

I faintly heard some sort of weird laughter. For a moment I thought it was Darkness dreaming about something stupid again, but then I heard it right next to my ear.

" _FU-HEHEHEHEHE!_ "

" _GYAAH_!"

"Wha—? What's going on?!"

"Kazuma, are you okay?!"

Girls leapt out of their makeshift beds and rushed over to me.

Aqua performed a quick check-up while the others were on standby.

" _Ugh_ , he's fine. It's Kazuma after all, so I'm sure he's just throwing a tantrum."

"Figures."

Megumin had a wide "what did I tell you" grin all over her face.

" _Hey_ , aren't you two jumping to conclusions too fast? What if he's hungry?"

"No way, I gave him plenty of my cooking earlier."

"Then, did he soil himself again?"

"He's wearing soakers that can absorb it all, remember? So, I don't think that's the case either."

"Then why is he crying?!"

"Because it's Kazuma, that's why! I get that you're depressed about your baby problems, but stop ruining my beauty sleep because of it, you stupid _hikkiNEET_!"

" _Hm_?"

Darkness noticed something in my bed and picked it up.

"What's that?"

" _Oh,_ this? Kazuma won't shut up with his cries, so I thought giving him a toy would calm him down. And that masked Devil doll was the first thing I saw, so…"

We all took a closer look at what Darkness was holding.

Out of all things, it had to be that creepy Vanir doll that laughs at night! And of course, Aqua was the one who'd give me something like that!

"So, Kazuma cried because of this doll, _huh_? _Jeez_ , what a crybaby…"

Girls loudly sighed in resignation, as if saying "alright, we're done here".

I _really_ wanted to give them a piece of my mind on the matter, but quickly gave up on that: I was too tired, and I couldn't even talk properly anyway.

Besides, these ruthless "mommies" didn't even offer any consolation prize for my rude awakening and simply removed the troublesome toy.

" _Hugh_."

I tiredly plopped my head on the pillow.

With Vanir's doll incident resolved, the dust has finally settled down; girls said goodnights to each other again and went back to sleep as if nothing happened.

I tried my best to fall asleep as well, but that creepy laughter kept haunting me in my dreams.

As such, I barely got a wink of sleep that night.

…

I woke up in the foulest mood the next morning.

" _Whoa_ , Kazuma, you aren't looking so good. Are you feeling okay?"

" _Oh_ , look at these dark eye circles! _Puhe_ , he even wobbles like a zombie! _Poke_!"

"Aqua, what are you doing, he's already drooling all over the place! Here, Kazuma, let me wipe it for you…"

"UWAAAAH!"

I really wish they'd stop stating the obvious and just do something about it instead!

Megumin hastily brought me some weird concoction. I didn't care what it was so long as it's not more natto beans and drank it without hesitation.

It ended up being surprisingly tasty: sweet and energizing, like a watermelon juice or something.

" _Whoa_ , he's like a completely different person now! What did you give him, Megumin?"

" _Fufun_ , I knew he'd love it! That was my ultimate weapon whenever Komekko threw fits like these! She'd do anything for a glass of neroid juice! _Hmm_ , good to know it works on Kazuma as well…"

I grumbled for being compared to that little glutton again, but I was feeling much better already, so I decided to let it slide.

…

"Alright, we're off."

I was left in Aqua's care again.

Darkness and Megumin left early in the morning. They wanted to buy some milk and get the Explosion trip out of the way, so they could focus on more important matters at hand.

" _Hum-hum_ …"

Aqua was dousing me with a little watering can while humming some melody.

And I simply enjoyed my bath time.

" _Scrub-scrub, scrubity-clean_! Let's get you all squeaky and pristine, Kazuma!"

Once she finished washing and drying me off, Aqua gave me an appraising look for some reason.

" _Humu-humu._ Yes, I think you're ready, Kazuma."

" _Hmm_?"

I cocked my head in confusion: what is she talking about?

"I think you're finally ready to join the ranks of my devout followers."

"?!"

Terrified, I stared at Aqua.

"Today, we're heading off to our headquarters here in Axel. You'll meet so many new people there! _Fufu_ , isn't it exciting, Kazuma?"

She was smiling, but her eyes… Those were the eyes of the Axis cultist.

"And once you realize just how amazing we are, I'll make sure that all of your generous donations will go to a greater cause. Together, we'll take down that overhyped chest-padding kouhai of mine! _Muhehehe_!"

"!"

It all makes sense now.

This scheming goddess saw me as a gullible little child and thought she could use it to easily con me into her stupid cult! And yesterday's tricks and smiles were nothing but a ploy to butter me up beforehand!

I need to do something fast before she turns me into one of her shiny-eyed lunatics!

As I was desperately pondering on my options…

"Kazuma, Aqua, are you in there?!"

"Big news, big news!"

" _Che_."

I sighed with relief when Darkness and Megumin burst into the room.

But then I almost immediately noticed that something was off.

They both were breathing heavily and looked concerned about something.

More importantly: they didn't carry any milk! Normally I'd overlook such sacrilege since they saved me from Aqua, but what was that about big news just now?

And why do I get the feeling that I won't like what I'm about to hear…?

"Iris-sama… _Huff_ … _Huff_ … Iris-sama—"

Darkness was trying her hardest to say something.

"—got kidnapped!"

Megumin was the one who finished the sentence.

" _Oh_?"

"NANI?!"

" _Whoa_ , he sure got lively quick."

I grabbed my head: did everyone conspire against me or something?!

Seriously, give me a _break_ already… _Sob_.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"C'mon, I'm sure it's nothing like that. Didn't she, like, always sneak out of castle to roleplay thieves with you and your friends or whatever?"

Aqua was not convinced.

"We aren't roleplaying thieves! And they are my subordinates, not my friends! Besides, we didn't have any adventures planned as of late, so Iris-kun had no reason to sneak out."

"It's not just that! The guards have also searched her room. It was a mess: one of the vases was broken, few other items were misplaced, and the balcony doors were swaying wide open! I don't think the room would've been in such state if Iris-sama had simply left on her own."

"And nobody, like, heard a thing when that happened?"

Aqua was not convinced. She can be surprisingly sharp at the weirdest times.

"I wish. Someone taught her some weird sound-sealing magic recently, and now she frequently applies it onto her room, especially during the nights. Claire-dono was especially upset about it."

"Why would she want to mute her room at night?"

"And that 'someone' wouldn't happen to be _this_ guy, would it?"

All three of them suspiciously looked at me in unison.

I ignored their entire prattle as my mind was in a complete disarray.

My precious Iris-chan is out there somewhere, waiting for her strong and handsome _onii-chan_ to storm in and save her from that predicament…

I absolutely have no time to waste here! I need to think of something quick! But what do I do…?

" _So-o_ , what does it all mean, exactly?"

Aqua scratched her head, unsure how to react.

"It means we are all in a deep trouble! The Capital is already on edge with all these news about the invasion. Can you imagine what would happen if it becomes public that the first princess of Belzerg was kidnapped on top of that?!"

" _S-s-so_ , what does _that_ mean, exactly?"

"We search for her, obviously!"

"Search? By ourselves?!"

Aqua backed away in terror. She clearly had some other plans in mind for today.

"It's not just us obviously, some of her aides are also conducting a subtle investigation of their own. However, Claire-dono is too eager to leave no stones unturned and Rain-dono is too busy trying to keep her in check. That's where we come in!"

"W-what about the others? Surely we aren't the only ones who care about Iris-chan's well-being!"

That idiot can be quite stubborn once her mind is set on something.

"The royal knights are already stretched thin, and it's not like they can openly investigate the case without attracting too much attention to themselves. Besides, Iris-sama is more than just a princess to our group! So, it's up to us to find her as soon as possible! And yes, we _all_ will participate as a search party! Or what, are you saying Iris-sama is not important to you?!"

" _Gurk_!"

Aqua was now practically backed against the wall. She was quickly running out of excuses to be spared from this noble mission.

" _A-Ah_ , that's right, I just remembered! It is not widely known, but Axis cult possesses some truly ancient restoration magic! _So_ ancient in fact, that I'm sure it might even help us with Kazuma's issue!"

"…"

It took all my willpower not to roll my eyes. C'mon, there's no way anyone would fall for something _that_ stupid!

"Wait, really?!"

"Is that true?!"

"… _Wat_?"

"B-b-but of course it is! In fact, I was about to head out to our headquarters in Axel with Kazuma. You can join us if you want."

" _Err_ , no thanks, I'll pass on that. Anyways, we have no time to waste, so how about we split up?"

"Good idea. We'll leave it to Aqua to restore Kazuma back to his former self while me and Megumin will help with investigation. Sounds about right?"

"Sounds great to me, _mufu_."

Aqua let out a quiet chuckle.

"HUH?!"

That doesn't sound great at all!

I should be saving my precious Iris-chan and savoring her calling me _onii-chan_ later as a reward!

I desperately tried to protest, but Aqua quickly forced a pacifier-like object into my mouth. For some reason, it tasted like wine.

"…"

I had no choice but to quietly suck on it.

…

Aqua swiftly carried me out of the house and was practically running towards Axel.

I was already in a bad mood for having to cope with that idiot and her stupid cult.

But more importantly: does she really have to swing me around like some cheap purse?!

" _Urp!_ "

With my sweet pacifier long gone, I was desperately trying to at least keep the remnants of my neroid juice inside.

In-between these swings, I heard Aqua muttering something.

"Just wait for a bit longer, Iris-chan, I'll find you for sure! Just as soon as I get my hands on this _hikkiNEET's_ money before he turns back to normal!"

"…"

I turned to face her directly: if I let it all out, I need to make sure this sinister goddess receives a full blast!

…

Inside the Axis church, we were greeted by a couple of questionably-looking men.

" _Ah_ , Aqua-sama, you're as lovely today as always!"

" _Puhe_ , why thank you!"

" _Hmm_? _Uwu_ , and who's this little cutie-patootie?"

I had a sudden urge to puke again, only this time it had nothing to do with being swung around.

" _Fufu_ , attention everyone! Please allow me to introduce our newest member! He may look young, but he already possesses an enormous fortune. So, let's all greet him with our brightest smiles!"

" _Owo_!"

"Can I keep him?"

Everyone was positively elated upon hearing this, and they all rushed over to surround us.

"All hail Lady Aqua for such truly delightful news!"

"Where's the form? I'm pretty sure we can just guide his hand to sign it in the end."

They are seriously planning to solicit me in!

I kicked and cried in protest, but these wackos have already whipped out their stupid form out of nowhere and started filling it out at the lightning speed.

" _Hmm_ , the name, the name — what is thy name of thy youngling?"

"Please let us all formally welcome Kazuma into our ranks, who will no doubt–"

" _Pue_!"

The whole atmosphere has changed in an instant.

What's going on? Why did they all spit sideways upon hearing my name?

"So, _um_ … you're saying that kiddo is yours?"

Several cultists surrounded us. They were looking at me with a mixture of caution and suspicion.

" _Fufu_ , indeed, he is a child of mine, just like every single one of—"

"Quit screwing around!"

" _Kek_?!"

"Wait, she's not the real one either?"

"See, I knew it! That girl looks exactly like Lady Aqua, but this one is a fake, I'm sure of it!"

"W-what are you—?"

Aqua looked around in panic, taken aback by this sudden outburst.

One of her followers clenched his hand into a tearful fist.

"Aqua-sama told us how she endured horrendous abuses from that devil in human form…"

"T-that's not true at all, don't look at me like that, Kazuma!"

" _Pue_! So, you're saying that our pure Lady Aqua would lay in bed with such a man and have an off-spring with him?! And even make this poor child bear his name no less!"

"But aren't we all feeling the same way? I mean, I don't mind my husband spanking me at night…"

"Shut it old hag! This lass keeps telling us that Aqua-sama, Eris pads her chest, would willingly defile herself with a mere mortal!"

"What blasphemy! And who are you calling the old hag?!"

In a blink of an eye, everything around us has devolved into absolute chaos.

Aqua was on a verge of tears, desperately trying to get things back under control.

"Please wait! I really _am_ the—"

"Girl, we get your passion for Lady Aqua, we truly do. And more than anything, we totally understand your desire to imitate her in any way possible…"

" _Yeah_ , we ourselves have been dressing as Aqua-sama for months! _Ugh_ , but my costume is not ready yet! If only I could take a quick peek at her panties…"

"…But everything has a limit, you know! No matter how devout you are to our cause, we absolutely will not tolerate belittling Aqua-sama like that! Not after everything she's already been through!"

Everyone was now clenching their fists.

"Our hearts ached so much each time we heard her tearful pleas…"

"I have no idea what they are talking about, Kazuma! I only said how it'd be nice if you appreciated me a bit more!"

"…So, we vowed to make that human repent for his sins! He'll either join us or regret his decision not to for the rest of his _normie_ life! Such is the will of Lady Aqua!"

"Don't listen to them, Kazuma! I never said such a thing either…!"

"That devil…"

" _Pue_! Hush now! We shall speak of _it_ no more within these walls! That too is the will of Lady Aqua!"

" _Hou_ …"

So, not only I somehow became a part of the Axis cult doctrine, they even turned my name into a curse word to spit upon. And the one who caused me all that headache…

Well, I just so happened to have a perfect chance to return a favor.

"Mommy!"

I happily exclaimed that word again, trying my best to give Aqua a baby hug.

" _Gyah_! What the hell are you saying, you stupid _hikkiNEET_?!"

"See?! See what I mean?! There is no way Aqua-sama would spout such filthy words!"

Seems like Aqua's rebuke only reinforced everyone's belief that the girl in front of them was but a poser.

"You've crossed the line here, missy! Not only have you suggested that Aqua-sama would lay in bed with that breed of a human, you also dared to imply that she would have such a dirty mouth!"

"No one ever humiliated Aqua-sama _twice_ in such a short time!"

"No, wait! Please, it's all a misundersta—!"

"What is there to misunderstand?! As if Lady Aqua would willingly sully her own name like that!"

"She's not the Axis follower! She must be a spy sent by that detestable Eris church to undermine our faith!"

"Heretic! Heretic!"

"Catch her! We have a _very_ special punishment for such cases!"

"Hey, where do you think you're going?!"

" _Waaah_!"

Wailing loudly, Aqua burst out of the church with me in tow.

…

" _Waaah_ , why did this happen?! I almost had Kazuma in the bag!"

Back at the mansion, Aqua still wouldn't stop crying.

She got what she deserved for dragging me into her Axis cult nonsense!

I ignored her antics and focused my attention on how to resolve the whole thing with Iris-chan. _Ugh_ , if only I could do something about my current state first…

"And everything was going so well! I even thought everyone would help me looking for Iris-chan— _Gyah_!"

" _Fwip_!"

Her annoying ramblings were interrupted by a loud flap of the wings: a weird-looking bird made its way into the room and slammed a large envelop it was carrying right into Aqua's face.

" _Pua_ , why you…!"

Aqua instantly forgot about her depression and was now furiously chasing that bird around. Poor thing has finally found some refuge on the curtain rod, though it was still sneaking wary glances at the panting goddess below.

"Get down there, you— _huh_? Wait, you're one of our FFS carrier powls!"

I gave her a bewildered look: the what now?

"Feast your eyes upon another brilliant idea of mine, the Fast Flight Service carrier powls! Not only they deliver mails that much faster, they are doing an amazing job spreading our leaflets around town! Isn't that great, Kazuma?"

 _Ah_ , yes. I muttered to myself, completely ignoring Aqua's blatant plagiarism.

People were complaining recently about some weird pigeon-looking owls disrupting their daily lives and littering the streets with useless garbage. Postmen and city cleaners were especially vocal against them.

 _Ugh_ , why am I even surprised at this point…?

" _Hmm_ , what's this, a letter for me? I wonder what's in there… _Daw_ , maybe they all felt bad and sent me an apology. _Muhehe_ , but of course I'll forgive them: they are my children after all! Now let's see…"

Aqua cleared her throat and began reading out loud.

"'Dear fellow cosplayer,

We know neither who you are nor where you live, so we took the liberty to have this powl follow you around and deliver the message directly.

First things first: we thank you for any contributions you ever made to promote our cause. Every little bit counts, especially with those pesky Eris cultists never making it easy for us.

Speaking of which, they were especially edgy this month for some reason. We even offered our help to brighten up the mood, but they had the _audacity_ to send us far away in a very rude manner! _Hmph_!

Well, anyways, we may not be as rich as those heretics, but our faith in Aqua-sama will never falter!

Oh, and nice costume, by the way. We were seriously impressed with the level of details you put into the outfit of our beloved Aqua-sama. That alone could've made you an exemplary follower of ours—!'

 _Humu-humu_. I don't get the costume part, but whatever."

Aqua nodded to herself, smiling gleefully. I ignored all that fluff text and was patiently waiting for the incoming "but" part.

"'However, today you totally crossed the line there, missy! Not only have you implied that our beloved Aqua-sama was a foul-mouthed brat, you also dared to suggest that she would willingly lay down with that trash of humanity and make babies with him!

Normally, we'd subject you to a disciplinary tree-hanging for spouting such atrocities. However, you somehow managed to escape from us, and we are too busy praying to Aqua-sama and dealing with Eris heretics to search for you.

So, let's settle it the easy way, shall we? As of today, you're now officially expelled from the Axis Cu—'Wait _, huh_?"

Aqua froze over the letter with her mouth agape, slowly processing what she just read.

"No-no-no-no, this is got so be a mistake, right? Expelled… They cannot expel me, I'm their goddess! _Ah,_ that's right, this guy – what's his name again – that Archbishop of mine! He should know who I am, there is no way he'd ever allow it! _Hmm?_ There's a PS here.

'…We know what you're thinking right about now: " _Oh_ no, I hope the almighty Zesta-sama will come and save me for sure!" and stuff. Well, too bad! He's been missing for a long time now, so we decided to kick him out of his post. Condoriano-kun is our new Archbishop now, and he has already approved your expulsion. All the details are described in the attached form.

For any complaints, please feel free to cry on the moderate bosom of our lovely Cecily-chan, though we doubt it'll help you much.

Also, PPS: Eris pads… her… _chest_ …'"

Aqua's voice died down before she even finished the last sentence.

The letter flew off her stiff fingers, and she looked at me with eyes completely devoid of life.

" _Hehe_. _Ehehe_. They expelled me, Kazuma… Can you believe it? They actually went along and expelled _me_ , their own goddess…"

Well, that just happened. Aqua got kicked out of her own cult, and even these carrier powls or whatever treated her like absolute trash because of it.

I wasn't sure how to react to all that. You reap what you sow, I guess.

Anyways, now that this whole nuisance is out of the way, I can finally focus on saving Iris-chan and—

 _Growl_.

Talk about bad timing! Now what do I do?!

I can't rely on this useless goddess wailing on the floor. Even without her identity crisis, the best thing she'd serve me would've been another plateful of natto beans.

I really should just keep quiet and wait for someone else to come back…

The door suddenly flew open and two familiar figures once again barged into the room.

"Aqua, Kazuma, are you there?! Big news, _great_ news!"

"We— _err_ , Aqua…?"

Darkness and Megumin apparently had even more news to report, but they stopped short after realizing they were talking to an empty husk named Aqua.

…

" _Um_ , Aqua?"

"C'mon, Aqua! What's wrong?"

No matter how hard they both tried, they couldn't get any coherent response out of Aqua.

" _Hmm_ , what's this?"

Megumin picked up the letter laying on the floor.

"… … _Um_ , I… I see…"

She forcefully squeezed out a reply after reading the contents out loud. Aqua wailed especially hard during the "expelled" part.

"Well, it's not _that_ bad, is it? I mean, nothing good has ever happened to us whenever we got involved with these guys. Right, Darkness?"

"Y-yeah, totally! Being pelted with stones by your own followers and enduring all those mean things they say to your face… _Ah_ , I feel so jeal— _err_ , so sorry for Aqua! But at least they won't bully her any longer. So, maybe that's all for the best?"

" _WAAAAH_!"

The annoying goddess started crying again.

Megumin gave Darkness a "look what you did" glare but didn't say anything else.

"There-there. Anyway, Megumin, you ready to go? We still got a lot of work to do…"

Darkness said while patting Aqua on the back.

" _Ugh_ , I'm all sweaty. I need to take a bath first!"

"In that case, I'll join you. We have no time to lose, so might as well discuss everything in there."

"What about Aqua?"

Megumin gave Aqua a concerned look.

"We'll take her with us. I mean, she's good with water, right? So, maybe if we soak her in for a bit, that'll cheer her up. Besides, I feel like we need to cool our heads as well."

"And Kazuma?"

"He's just a baby, so I think it's fine."

" _Hmmm_ …"

"Kazuma, we're all going in without any bath towels!"

"Wait, Darkness, what are you saying?!"

"Relax, Megumin, of course I didn't plan to go that far! See, he didn't react in the slightest. So, I think we're safe."

"I sure hope so…"

Of course, I didn't react in the slightest. Not because I didn't care: I already knew something _that_ good would never happen, so why bother in the first place?

"Well then, emergency bath time?"

Darkness plopped Aqua's body over the shoulder.

"Emergency bath time!"


End file.
